I've blogged quite a few times about wanting to be an individual who trusts firmly in God's faithfulness. I have such a strong and fervent desire to be a woman devoted to prayer, to His greater plans for my life. I want so badly to be a believer in His goodness and mercy; his justice and loving guidance.
I don't know what it is; maybe it's my impending graduation or the quickly approaching uncertainty of my future... but I'm struggling tonight. Struggling with thoughts of fear and frustration.
I want faith to be easy. Goodness, I want to have a simplistic belief. But it's not easy. This fervent desire in my heart isn't pacified quickly.
I want Him to recognize the desires of my heart. I want him to listen to my silent prayers, the cries of my heart in the dark.
Granted, I realize that my childish and somewhat selfish desires aren't, nor should they be, the sole interest of the creator of a universe. But goodness, I wish this whole faith thing was easier. I don't want to be scared anymore. I hate the feeling of uncertainty that accompanies dreams unfulfilled.
Because honestly, there are lots of things that I want, that my heart yearns for. There are so many things that I think about, wishing it was time for them to be fulfilled. I know that there is a season for everything, every activity under heaven. But I want to get to a place of contentment. I want to learn to feel joy in unfulfilled desires, complete in the knowledge that promises will be kept.
Pretty deep stuff, I know. Sorry if it's more than you bargained for. This is where I am tonight. I know it's all right to be here; in places of fear and anxiety. I just wish it didn't feel so lonely sometimes.
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