He is more than able...

2012-01-09T11:37:00.001-08:00

I apologize for the lapse in updates... I know that all of my devoted readers out there in blog-land are just beside themselves with frustration and disappointment. ;) Just kidding.
The past month or so has been a whirlwind. From getting my prospectus approved to going home for the holidays... weddings, presents, and too much tempting food for me to describe... it's been an amazing month or so. If you want to know the details, feel free to ask me about it. I'd be happy to tell you sometime.

Things should be pretty much getting back to normal over the course of the next week or so. School is about to start back up, and Abilene is coming back to life with the return of familiar faces and textbooks. I start back at Cooper tomorrow, which should be good, and life will, most likely, continue on as usual.

So there's my short and sweet life update. Now to the real reason why I blog.

My heart's been struck lately with the words in 1 Corinithians 13. The phrases are so familiar. I grew up in Sunday school. I learned what love meant from the time I could say the word. However, I can't shake this fixation on the beauty of what these verses say.
"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to the flames, but do not hve love, I gain nothing.
For love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

My heart longs to be a woman who lives these characteristics out. To be the kind of person who is a manifestation of God's love in a world that cries out for it.
And yet I find myself failing time and time again. I treat people disrepectfully. I look down on others. I judge and I complain and I neglect to see the beauty of what God has placed in my life.

I know that this verse is often applied to relationships... a husband and wife particularly. And while I will admit that I am so excited to hopefully find a person to share that kind of love with, I think that this verse can be applied to other things as well.

I want to live my life loving people this way. Granted, in no way is this easy. It's hard enough remembering to love my friends and family this way... let alone people who I don't necessarily know. It's easier to be patient and kind with people who I know and care about... when the condition of their hearts is of the utmost importance to me... than the guy tailgating me on the way to work or the client who refuses to be civil. In short, it's way easier to love those who love me back.

And there's the beauty of a God who is so much wiser than I am. Because He loves regardless. Because my insufficiencies are strengthed in His goodness. Because He loves in the purest form.

Loving is difficult. Vulnerability is one of the most terrifying and heart-wrenching feelings for a person... at least, this person. Fear of rejection... of brokenness... of humiliation. Most of the selfish things that we do as humans are often in attempts to hide vulnerability. And yet, in these short verses, He's asking us to be just that: vulnerable. To be willing to do all the things that the world tells us not to do: Come in 2nd place. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Care about others when they don't necessarily care about you. Forgive. Trust. Hope. Don't just be out for yourself. And don't give up on someone.

It's terrifying. We've all been burned by being vulnerable... whether that's in a romantic relationship, a friendship, or even in the church, our broken hearts tend to lend themselves to wall-building. You know what I mean. We promise ourselves that we will do whatever it takes to avoid being hurt again. We build walls and shut people out. We neither receive unconditional love, nor give it freely. And because of this, we fail to live out what 1 Corinthians calls us to.

I want to be a person who loves over the course of this year. I want to overcome my fears and insecurities to love vulnerably... to give when it hurts, and when I'm scared, and even when I don't necessarily want to.
Just some thoughts.

Blessings on you and yours,
Amanda Christine

Harmony

2011-11-28T21:24:00.000-08:00

As I've mentioned on a regular basis, music speaks to my soul in a way that no other form of communication can. There's something about lyrics and notes blended together to form a perfect expression of emotion and feeling... it transports you outside of yourself.
I was brought up as a Church of Christ kid. That's right. One of those acapella girls. I was raised on the "Songs of Faith and Praise" songbook, and the beauty of four-part harmony surrounding my head.
Harmony. The perfect blending of different parts...
As I sit writing this post, with broadway soundtracks filling the quiet of my room, I'm taken aback by the sheer beauty of pure harmony. While the parts don't quite sound right on their own, together, they are complete and whole.

I want my life to be in harmony.

So often, I take pieces of my existence... work, school, relationships, faith.... and compartmentalize each of them. I stick them in corners and bounce back and forth... dividing my time between whichever one I've been neglecting most recently. It's overwhelming. The idea of never resting in a blending of the many pieces... but feeling the need to sing each on their own.

I'm working on the idea of putting my existence in harmony. Each part, working with the others to create something that is beautiful and in tune. One unable to sound perfect without the others.
Could a life be lived this way? Giving attention to each part individually, but overall, working to make them all sound beautiful together?

And if that's possible, could we, as a society, live in this type of harmony? Our lives meshing together to create something that is perfect? Though we are different... some lives sing a little deeper than others, and some take the melody.... could our lives all blend to something beyond what we could imagine?

Just some thoughts that have been rolling around in my head.
Blessings on you and yours.
Amanda Christine

Bigger

2011-11-04T20:25:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life is thrust so clearly into perspective, that it's breathtaking. All at once, the moments throughout your day that seemed so utterly devestating... your phone battery dying, so you couldn't play Angry Birds, or the vending machine running out of diet cokes... those things don't seem to matter quite as much.

For those of you who don't know, there was an accident with a bus of ACU students today. When the bus flipped over, seventeen people were injured, and one girl has passed away.

This tragedy has seemingly rocked the ACU community. Not only is the entire campus pulling together for pray vigils, supportive groupings, and times of focusing on loved ones, but alumni, facutly, and staff have sent an outpouring of love for the ACU community via twitter, facebook, and text messages. To be quite honest, I've never seen such a tangible and evident display of unity and love in a time of heartache and tragedy firsthand.

And I'm thankful. I'm thankful that the accident wasn't any worse than it was, because there could have easily been many more fatalities. I'm thankful that God has allowed ACU to reach families, friends, and loved ones, and give peace to their weary and anxious hearts. I'm thankful that many people will recover from this ordeal, and I'm thankful that God is bigger than I am.

But most of all, I'm thankful for the people in my life. I know that it's often said that you don't realize what you have until it's gone.... and I firmly agree. I know that often, in times of tragedy and loss, people cling to those whom they love. They seek guidance and affirmation and comfort. They intensify bonds and finally tell each other how important each one of them is.

So to you, my friends, family, and not-so-well-known followers... I love you. Thank you for going on this journey thus far with me, in the blogging world. :) Thank you for your consistent encouragement, affirmation, and joy. Thanks for being active and present people in my life, and thanks for caring enough to read my words every now and then. My God is bigger. Even in the midst of confusion, anxiety, and pain... He's bigger.

Blessings on you and yours,
Amanda Christine

Lord, I believe...

2011-10-22T10:42:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have one of those moments in time, even for just a second, when you just know that the world is exactly as it should be? You are in the exact right place, at the exact right time, under the exact right circumstances... and you realize that, even if it's just for a moment, there's something bigger than you and your current hardship that directs how the world works?

Lord, I believe. Only help my unbelief.

Or the moment when you turned in that paper that you worked so tirelessly on... the one that dictated your eating, sleeping, and socializing schedule... to find that you made an A? When your heart is fluttering for that instant, before looking at your grade, wondering if it was all for naught?

Lord, I believe. Only help my unbelief.

When you have been praying endlessly for some heartache... you know that kind of prayer? The "can't eat, can't sleep, pray every moment of the day, hoping that something will come of it" prayer? And the day when, right as you felt you couldn't go on any longer, that petition is finally fulfilled... the feeling that floods your very core?

Lord, I believe. Only help my unbelief.

I've been somewhat of a complainer lately. I'd like to think that, most of the time, I'm more of a "glass-half-full" kind of gal; I generally try to look for the good in people, and I've always believed that individuals have the potential to make a significant difference in the world. I do my homework, take out the trash, and try to walk my dog every day. Yet, over the past few months, I've made a habit of looking at life from such a negative perspective.

Maybe it's circumstance... after all, grad school has, thus far, been a pretty intense time in my life. There's always a paper to be written, a book to be read, and let's not forget about the impending doom entitled "thesis" that seems to fly about my head like a mosquito on a sticky summer evening.
Maybe it's influence. While it's hard to admit, there are many people whom I love and hold dear who have issues with pessimism. Is it inevitable that, as time has gone by, these individuals have influenced me to take off my rose-colored glasses and see the world in harsh daylight?
Or maybe it's just growing up; seeing the world for what it truly is, and choosing to leave childish delusion behind me. Perhaps I've lost the innocence of my youth, and the trust of children, and learned that life isn't always the picture that Walt Disney painted for me. Maybe good guys don't always win... maybe hard work isn't always enough... maybe a hero doesn't always come to save the day.

Lord, I believe. Only help my unbelief.

No matter what the reason, my outlook on life has been significantly different, as of late. I've done all of the things I'm supposed to do.... I've taken time out to enjoy little things. I've exercised, and I've baked cookies. I've worked hard on schoolwork, and I've poured myself into the kids I work with. I've gotten dressed up, and I've prayed. But nothing seems to be working. And I think I've finally determined the reason why.

Lord, I believe. Only help my unbelief.

I don't have faith. Yes, I am admitting it to myself, and to the millions of readers who, I'm sure, wait for these blogs with bated breath and sweating palms. I am not committed enough to my faith.
Now, don't misunderstand. I believe. I've blogged countless times about my thoughts on the Lord... my thankfulness and my feelings of inadequacy. I believe in a God of love and compassion.
But I have no honest faith that He'll pull through.

And really... without that faith... what joy is there to be found in life? What hope is available for someone, so intent on being hopeless?
There's a song that I love by a Christian artist named Andrew Peterson. The chorus is as follows:

"Well I say, 'faith is a burden. It's a weight to bear. It's brave and bittersweet. And hope is hard to hold to.' Lord I believe, only help my unbelief. 'Til there's no more faith, no more hope, I'll see your face, and Lord I'll know that only love remains."

I get so tired of the struggle that is faith. The fight that is hope. There's pain and there's despair tied into both of these ideas. There's fear, and anticipation, worry, and uncertainty. Sometimes, it all seems a little bit too big. Sometimes, I'm just too weak. And sometimes, despair wins.

So I'll wait. I'll keep trying. I'll get up tomorrow, and I'll choose to believe in something bigger than myself. Because what's the point, if we're not waiting for something greater?

Lord, I believe. Only help my unbelief.

Blessings on you and yours,
Amanda

Through the Cracks

2011-10-03T14:36:00.000-07:00

I once blogged about the idea of living with "Kingdom Eyes"... a way of looking at the world in a holy, spiritual context. I love this concept... to think that I could go throughout my day, viewing everything as a component of holiness and goodness.

Recently I've found myself reflecting, more so than usual, on this idea. I'm a big fan of writing notes to myself... whether they're inspirational thoughts, bible verses, or just words of encouragement, ever since Middle School, i've found myself leaving post-it's all over, writing on my mirrors, and leaving notes on the dashboard of my car. Honestly, it's a huge way of refocusing myself.
The phrase "Kingdom Eyes" is one that resides in several places that I frequent... including the mirror in my room and in my car.
I want so badly to incorporate this idea into my life, primarly in one way:

I so much want to begin seeing others the way that God sees them.

This is such a difficult thing to do. Trust me when I say, as a red-head, I've got a temper that competes with the best of them. Granted, it doesn't awaken often. But I'm also an individual who is motivated by emotion... driven by feeling. I behave in conjunction with the way I feel at the time... which makes things like accceptance and forgiveness difficult at times. It's hard to forgive when I'm hurt, and it's hard to accept when I feel uncomfortable.
I don't think this is an issue that is unfamiliar to many.

I so long to see the world in the way that Jesus does. To see, not only present circumstance, but potential and beauty in individuals. I crave to look at a person and see them the way that God created them to be.

Most of my thoughts lately revolve around the question: What would it take? How can I tangibly do this?

So I'm trying to examine myself... to look at my actions and see how I accomplish this with those whom I love. Because, in all honesty, I love some screwed up people. :) I mean, granted, I'm pretty screwed up myself. But aren't we all?
I love people who have hurt me... who have disappointed me... who haven't been there when I needed them, or have quit when they promised they wouldn't. I love people who are poor, and broken, and in need of a savior just as much as I am.
And yet, I love. I love because I see who they are, underneath all of that brokenness. Because I've seen their potential, and I've seen their goodness.

I once had a group-leader at a camp who demonstrated the idea of the beauty of brokenness. Smashing a clay pot in pieces, he had us put those pieces gently and carefully back together. We took our time, gluing each and every shard back into place... taking extreme caution and care. When we finished, he placed a candle in the middle of the pot, and turned off the lights. Even with all the care and time we'd put into piecing that pot back together... there were cracks. You could see them. But the beauty came from where the light shone through those imperfections... where the fire inside was visible.

I think that the key to loving someone with "Kingdom Eyes" is just that. Seeing the light through their imperfections and, in turn, recognizing those very imperfections as beauty. To love, despite the hurt, and despite the pain. Recklessly and loyally. Raging and unceasing.

There's a yearning in my heart to love people that way. I don't know how tangibly attainable this goal is... in all honesty, I've yet to be extremely successful. I continue to feel frustration... selfish ambition... pride. So much pride. But at the end of the day, if I'm going to love like Jesus, I have to recognize that the very essence of that love was rooted in humility.

So here's to loving humbly, deeply, and recklessly.
Blessings.

Felt Boards and Easter Dresses

2011-09-19T17:42:00.001-07:00

I grew up in a world full of Sunday mornings. My little world consisted of new Easter dresses, pink pint-sized bibles, and felt boards with little images of Jesus that you could move around. My perception of God's love was built upon hymns from the "Songs of Faith and Praise" songbook, and I learned to sing by listening to my parents and their friends belting four-part harmony. I'm a church-of-christ kid, in all aspects of the term.
Recently, I was asked to write a spiritual autobiography for my class, "Spirituality and Social Work." Granted, this class is not completely comprised of a Christian perspective, nor is it focused on the idea of one's personal religious views. However, this assignment has really thrown me.
Over the course of my four years at ACU, I probably wrote at least four "spiritual testimonies." There were always teachers (or employers), who wanted to know the aspects of my life that contributed to my spiritual growth and development. Many of my classmates, each time, would write pages upon pages, depicting their childhoods in the church, the goodness of their parents' upbringing, and the ways in which their youth ministers were better than everyone else's.
And up to this point in my life, my testimonies consisted of very similar rhetoric.
However, this assignment really made me think. Maybe it's the new sections of my brain that have opened up since entering grad school, or my increased capacity to actually invest time in an assignment, but I have been dwelling on what, specifically, has contributed to who I am, spiritually, at this point in my life.
And I've come to realize that, in all honesty, the things that have had an impact on who I am have very little to do with the legalism that I once confined myself to. In fact, the person who I am today, and my views regarding who God is and who I am in Him, are largely indebted to people. Relationship. Heartache and forgiveness. Love and suffering. Faith and disappointment.

I think the whole beauty of a spiritual journey is just that: it being a journey.

Journeys, in general, start in all sorts of different places. For Bilbo Baggins, it started in the Shire, with directions from a trouble-loving wizard (pardon the Hobbit reference). For Beyonce, it started in a performing arts school in Houston, Texas. For the Friends characters, it started in a coffee shop on a street in New York.

Journeys are, by nature, often long. They aren't always easy. There are different types of terrain to navigate... wrong turns to take... heartache to bear. One must be willing to take directions when they are needed, as well as trust instict and willpower. Journeys have the potential to ecompass new people, places, and feelings. However, more than anything, journeys are the physical manifestation of change... whether the course of time, or location... something changes when one partakes in a journey.

My journey has been long, at times. It's been full of rejoicing and disappointments... of happiness and despair. Presently, I'm in a season of waiting. Waiting for answers... for the fulfillment of promises and the manifestation of purpose. But the beauty of the journey, looking back on it over the past few days, is that God is guiding it. I'm not lost. (As one who tends to be directionally challenged, this is a great reassurance for me!) My journey is far from done, and I can't wait to see where God will take me.

Feel free to send me an email, and I'd be happy to send you a copy of the finished product of my autobiography. I'd give you a way to get it now.. but let's be real, it's not quite done. :)

Blessings on you and yours, as you continue your journeys,
Amanda Christine

The Prayer

2011-09-13T15:27:00.001-07:00

I pray you'll be our eyes, and watch us where we go, and help us to be wise, in times when we don't know. Let this be our prayer when we lose our way, lead us to a place, guide us with your grace, to a place where we'll be safe.
I pray we'll find your light and hold it in our hearts, when the stars go out each night, remind us where you are. Let this be our prayer when shadows fill our days, lead us to a place, guide us with your grace, to a place where we'll be safe.
A world where pain and sorrow will be ended, and every heart that's broken will be mended, and we'll remember we are all God's children, reaching out to touch you, reaching to the sky.
We ask that life be kind, watch us from above. We hope each soul will find another soul to love. Let this be our prayer, just like every child who needs to find a place, guide us with your grace, give us faith so we'll be safe.
Lead us to a place, guide us with your grace, give us faith so we'll be safe.

This is one of my favorite songs. If you're looking for a version to listen to (which I HIGHLY recommend, especially if you love harmony), my pick is the one with David Phelps and Lauren Talley. Breathtaking.

I love this song, partly because of its' beautiful harmony, and partly because of its' simple and honest message. I've always been a believer in the honesty and reality of music.... I think it speaks to our souls in a way that words alone can't quite accomplish.
What I truly love about the message of this music is the idea of my prayer being that of honesty. That of a need for guidance, and a need for faith.
I think our world is crying out for redemption and love. Someone being willing to protect you, and guide you. To love you, despite your most embarassing flaws and deepest scars.
I think that, maybe, that's all anyone really needs in life. To feel accepted. To feel safe.

Today I've been thinking a lot about how I could help those around me feel safe. To feel complete, and fulfilled.
We're in such constant competition with each other. We poke and prod, we beg to be better. Every moment of every day is filled with a need to beat the other guy. From the way we look, to the people we love, to the jobs we drive to every morning.
How different might our worlds look if we all tried to fulfill this inherent need in other people, by just a fraction? If, in coming in contact with those whom I love, I strove to leave them feeling safe in relationship with me? If I was able to provide an inch of healing for their broken hearts?
I want to be a woman focused on leaving others with a sense of security in relationship. To assure them of their importance, and remind them not only who they are, but whose they are. To fully live out the phrase: "Nothing you could do would make me love you less."
I don't know what it's going to take. And honestly, I don't know if it's feasible... this whole "loving without boundaries" thing. It makes you vulnerable. It opens a person up to heartache in a way that is so tangible.
But goodness... if people walked away from you, knowing that, at least for a second, they were worth it. They were ok.... How transforming could that be?
Here's to transformative love.

Blessings on you and yours,
Amanda Christine

And the sun rises...

2011-09-06T15:03:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I'm so overwhelmed by my seemingly endless problems. You know the feeling. There are some days when there is just nothing, I mean, NOTHING, going right. When the issues pervading your heart just seem to pile up, creating an insurmountable mountain of worry and regret, pain and despair.
And these issues are substantial. I know that I, for one, have a lot going on! In the midst of school, relationships, an internship, finances, and one very lovable, yet exhausting puppy dog, my list of concerns grows on a daily basis. I habitually find my mind wandering to places so far from the chair in which I sit.
Honestly, I would argue that this might be one of my greatest flaws: the tendency to overanalyze.... to worry.
It's been a constant in my life, and has wreaked its' fair share of havoc on my heart, realationships, and waistline! (Yes, I'm a stress eater. I'll admit my inadequacies.)

So isn't it funny that the Lord would choose Social Work, of all things, to be my profession? That I would feel so called to a line of work that is designed in such a way that I'm humbled on an hourly basis?
Because in the midst of all my tribulation and strife, there is always going to be someone who understands the true meaning of suffering just a little bit better than I do. There will always be a person who hurts a little more, has a little less, and cries just as much.
Now don't misunderstand me... I do, in all honesty, have issues that are worth their weight. In now way do I suggest that my life is void of heartache.
But at the end of the day, what a blessing... to love and be passionate about a profession that constantly reminds me just who I am in the kingdom... and that my blessings are, in fact, substantial.
It's so easy to forget how full my life is, and how thankful I should be. It's so natural to allow myself to live without heavenly joy, because I'm so focused on what I conside to be "lacking."
Yes, I don't get everything that I want. I suffer disappointment, and I suffer pain. I fail a lot, and I disappoint. There are days when my best isn't worth anything, and days when I don't even bother to give my best.
But I'm also alive. I'm breathing. I live a life of love and compassion, and I have a way of supporting myself. I have people in my life who care what happens to me, and I have the knowledge of a God who makes a tomorrow possible.

So I'm thankful. I'm thankful for the heartbreak that I see every day, and for a God who cares enough to humble my foolish spirit. I'm thankful for the goodness that He's seen fit to put in place, and the inherent strength that I have, as a child of the kingdom. I'm thankful for who He's allowed me to be thus far, and who He's created me to become. But most of all, I'm thankful that I have a chance to live out His calling in such a tangible and real way.

Trust me when I say that I know it's not easy. I know the ache that comes with discontent. I know the sorrow that follows heartbreak, and the worry that accompanies the unexpected. But, as a certain well known movie character might say: The night is darkest just before the dawn.

Know that something good is coming. Trust in what He has in store. Look around at the heartache that fills our little personal worlds, and take comfort in the fact that the same God who created the mountains, also created the valleys. He's in this for the long haul. And honestly, sometimes knowing that fact makes the waiting a little bit easier.

Here's to remembering who we are, and whose we are.

Blessings on you and yours,
Amanda Christine

The applause of heaven

2011-09-04T08:07:00.001-07:00

I love the theater... In fact, I'm a musical theater junkie, as most of you probably know. I constantly have Broadway showtunes stuck in my head, and I challenge you to find a play that I dislike. I love the feeling that accompanies being a part of something so much bigger than yourself... like you, for a few hours, lived in a world so far removed from your own, that the sheer beauty of its' existence forces you to tears.
Growing up, I loved acting... drama was my life. The rush of having someone applaud for you is unlike any other. Other performers understand that feeling... when you catch that touchdown pass, or you hit that high C in the song that you've been practicing for months. One of my favorite characters from the television show, Glee, put it this way: "I'm like Tinkerbell, Finn. I need applause to live!"
It's beautiful, applause. It's loud and it's overwhelming, and it is real. It's something so tangible that says, "Hey, you! You're pretty good. I like what you can do; you're worth it." No matter what the applause is for, it signifies that you, as an individual are accepted. You are enough. People are happy with what you have to offer.

I think, at the end of the day, that's all anybody really wants. Applause. Acceptance. Love.

It's a tough concept. After all, we don't like admitting to ourselves that we are so dependent upon the affirmation of others. We live life in a way that suggests that we are just fine on our own. We pretend, and we lie. We want to be dependent, without needs and desires that anyone else could fulfill. We wish to be stronger, and bigger, than that.
I'm not stronger and bigger than that. In fact, more often than not, I ache for the "applause" that I can get from others.
In fact, often, I find myself doing things solely for the purpose of getting the applause of others. I know I'm not alone in this. As embarrasing as it is to admit, we all seek affirmation this way. We long for someone else's approval.... just a second of feeling like we're okay as human beings... that we're not a waste of time.

At church this morning, the preacher called attention to the fact that God applauds us too. However, He doesn't applaud those whom we find "applause-worthy." God's clapping is meant for those whom are blessed.
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

These characteristics are so unlike those that we applaud and admire in our society. I mean, goodness, when was the last time you told someone, "Buddy, you are so poor in spirit. Way to go!"?
We look down on these attributes in our society. As a group of people, so centered on gratification and happiness, the very thought of suffering leaves us confused and blundering. I share in this guilt. I'm often shocked and dismayed when left feeling less than content in regard to my circumstances. I'm so intent on earning the applause of those surrounding me, that I don't take the time to realize that the only real applause I need is being drowned out by my own selfish ambition.
Oh my heart longs for the applause of heaven. Not just a temporary clapping of hands and yells across an auditorium. My whole self yearns for an unending applause that affirms to no end. I want to believe in the goodness of God and the life he bestows upon me. But while I'm running around, begging others to love me, I can't hear it. I don't hear it.
So may you and I, dear readers, seek only the applause of heaven. May we work tirelessly to ensure God's name be spread, rather than our own, and may we believe in His goodness, rather than our own.
Blessings on you and yours,
Amanda Christine

Bouquets of Sharpened Pencils

2011-08-29T14:35:00.000-07:00

"Don't you just love New York in the fall? Makes me want to buy school supplies. I'd send you a bouquet of sharpened pencils, if I knew your name and address..." -You've Got Mail

Well, here I am, dear readers, on the first day of my last year of school.

I have to say, it's been quite a journey.

From lion king backpacks and pink jumpers to the DSM-IV and planners...

Throughout the years, as with most children, school has been a constant in my life. Every summer is destined to end with another school year beginning. Sidewalk chalk is traded in for pencils, beach balls for backpacks, and tan lines for textbooks.

I love school. I love learning. There's an excitement that fills the air this time of year... an anticipation, a buzz of adrenaline emanating from the cries of children, running through the school supply aisles of WalMart. It's that special day they've been waiting for since the beginning of August, when you inadvertedly bid summer adieu at the moment you buy that special pair of back-to-school jeans. You know the ones I'm talking about... the pair you try on ten million times before the beginning of school, aching for the chance to wear them. The ones you beg your mom to allow you to wear to the mall with your friends, but she just insists that they must be saved for the first day of school. So frustrating.

There's a reason why those jeans are so intoxicating. It's because, when you put on that denim, it signifies the start of new beginnings... of a new "you." The upcoming year holds unlimited possibilities, and you are just getting started.

As I've grown older, I've begun to realize that, sometimes, this "new you" doesn't turn out quite the way you anticipated.

Surprises come. Changes occur. Tragedy and sadness strike. People leave you, and people enter your life. You cling to some things with all of your hope, and you let others go. You're molded as an individual, and, in the process, get a little closer to the adult you will eventually become.

This next year will, most likely, prove to be unlike any other. It's already, in fact, turning out to be so vastly different than what I'd anticipated. Honestly, it's absolutely terrifying. However, it does leave me pretty curious as to what's in store.

Trusting in what God is doing is HARD. I won't lie to you. I'm having to learn to make a conscious decision, on a daily basis, to believe in His goodness until I feel it. Much like the decision to love someone, every day, I have to constantly build upon this faith that I've chosen to be a part of. I choose to believe that He will bring good, in the midst of all of this frustration and turmoil.

So feel free to keep me in your prayers. My school supply lists have graduated a bit... but let's be real... I still bought a pack of crrayons. :) Pray that God brings peace to a tumultous heart... and that He brings about fulfillment to His promises.

Blessings on you and yours,

Amanda Christine

I'm thirsty anyway, So Bring on the Rain...

2011-08-22T16:15:00.000-07:00

I love this sound. It's the sound that accompanies sitting on a window seat with a book open on your lap... of riding in the backseat of the car, staring at the wet road beside you. The sound that announces how wet your feet will feel all day... the amount of frizziness in your hair.

I love rain. I love everything about it. I love the smell that pervades the air right before a big rainstorm... the sounds of thunder and raindrops falling on the roof. I love the way the sky gets dark and everything feels a little more isolated... a little more peaceful.

I don't, however, enjoy the rain in my life.

You know what it is. Those moments when your sun ceases to shine... thunder and lightning invoke chaos, and all you can do is stand under any kind of umbrella you can find, just to find reprieve. When the winds are howling and your heart is hurting, and all you want is to find a place that is quiet and warm, where nothing can touch you. Somwhere you don't have to get wet.

I've been drenched lately. I can't seem to find a place to stand and find shelter from the storms that have overtaken my heart.

Granted, I'm pretty good at faking it most of the time. I can pretend like the rain doesn't bother me... like it isn't a huge inconvenience that keeps me from enjoying all the plans I'd made for the sunshine. I can put on my windshield wipers and pray that the rain will miraculously stop, while all the while, insisting that it isn't hurting me.

But that's the thing with the rain that falls in our lives. No matter how good you are at pretending... at the end of the day, the fact still remains that you're wet.

What's worse, is that it's important. Rain is necessary, both in reality and figuratively. Just as it's vital for renewal and growth in our world, it's necessary for renewal and growth in our hearts, as well. Nothing new can develop, and nothing old can be washed away, without the presence of rain.

So I'm doing a lot of growing right now. There's a lot of stretching and, at times, I don't really like my socks being so wet from the puddles. It's uncomfortable.

But I think I've realized, over the past month or so, that the rain is necessary. No matter how much I might dislike it... no matter how morose it makes me, or how useless it renders my otherwise flawless plans... it always comes.

I think that I've been so focused on the pain and discomfort that the rain causes, that I haven't been willing to take the time to look around and see that there's beauty in the midst of chaos. That, amidst the thunder and lightning, the winds and the downpour... there's a sight that is magnificent to behold.

So I want to learn to dance in the rain. To delight in the discomfort, and to realize that it is for a reason. While I might not see it now, the rain is going to bring growth. It's going to bring nourishment and strenth that this sunshine alone cannot provide.

So I'm putting on my rainboots. I'm getting my umbrella, and I'm splashing in the puddles. I'm running and jumping and remembering that faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see. So while I might not knew when it's coming, I believe that the sun is going to shine again.

Here's to rainbows in the future.

Amanda

Mandy

2011-08-15T20:03:00.000-07:00

There are few things in life quite like a grandfather. Even the name itself evokes familiar images of a little girl sitting in an old man's lap... listening to stories and laughing into the evening. Of a little boy learning to fix the engine of a car. Of a teenager sitting under a Christmas tree, yelping with joy as the exact thing that she'd exactly wanted at that exact moment in time is revealed under that wrapping paper.

Mine is no different. James Nalls, more commonly known as Papaw, is one of those exceptionally great grandfathers... the kind that everyone admires and wishes was theirs. The kind that makes you excited to have Grandparents day at school, at the chance that you might be able to show him off. The kind that tells you stories about years of hard work, and takes you on your very first trip to Disney World... the one that convinced you forever that you were meant to be a Disney Princess.

On Friday, my family and I celebrated the life of an exceptional man.

Honestly, I find myself lacking words, which, as we all know, is pretty uncommon. Tears fill my eyes when I let my mind drift back to childhood with a Papaw...

Listening to Gaither Vocal Band blaring from the television in his house in Tyler... getting those first tastes of applauding crowds and belting tenors... the words of hymns drifting amidst the tornado of energy that is our family.

His low, defined voice booming throughout the house... the kind of voice that lets you know that its' owner is a man who knows what he wants.

The smell of his house when you first burst through the door... so familiar and reassuring... like you were home.

Regaling him with tales of playing volleyball and basketball, and his delight when I had an exceptionally good game. Along with that, listening to tales of his scoring 30+ points in basketball games when HE was in high school. Contrary to my belief at the time, those tales were, in fact, true.

Afternoons of learning how to tell if vegetables were ready to be picked... of watering his plants to make a ridiculous $20 for five minutes of work.

Of splashing in a swimming pool in the summertime without a care in the world.

His paying for my braces so that I'd have "good teeth," and asking me about each visit to the Orthodontist when I came to his house.

Days of playing dress-up at his and Mamaw's house... and the inevitable declaration of admiration that he'd give, though the dresses were five sizes too big and he'd seen them on me ten visits in a row.

Those last few years when he'd ask me if there were any boys in my life, and tell me how lucky some man would be to have me one day.

I'm a lucky girl, to have had a Papaw.

I loved his stories, especially when they concerned ME. Many were the visits when I asked him to tell me, again, about working in Alaska, cleaning up the Exxon oil spill, when I was born. Of his declaration, along with my other grandfather, of a new little red-headed grandbaby that he called "Mandy" (he's the only one that ever has, I might add).

I loved his goofy songs where he mixed up the words and bragged about his superior vocal skills. I loved that he always had the most interesting things to play with, and that he was never too busy to let me sit beside him.

And I loved the things that he taught me.... Papaw was a great teacher (even when I didn't necessarily want to learn).

He taught me how to PROPERLY water those aforementioned plants, so they didn't dry out in those hot East Texas summers. He taught me how to clean off the table, and that mustard won't come out of leather chairs. He taught me to chew with my mouth closed, and which kind of jelly tasted best on a biscuit. He taught me about how to work hard, and be fully committed to everything that you do.

But mostly, I'm thankful that my Papaw taught me how to love. He taught it by example. By loving my Mamaw, who he reffered to as "Puddin'" for almost 51 years... by loving my mama and two aunts with a passion superior to much of what I've seen.... and by loving me. He showed me that love doesn't make you weak, but stronger. That the greatest strength comes from giving of yourself... all of yourself... to a legacy that's worth remembering.

So to the company man, the family man, the hardest man to please, and the most tender heart I've ever known... I love you Papaw. Now and always. Thank you for making me into the woman that I am today... I can only pray that God blesses me with someone who is half the man that you were.

I love you,

Mandy

Give in to love, or live in fear.

2011-08-02T16:10:00.000-07:00

As we grow up, we learn. In fact, I've come to believe that growing up is, in itself, a learning process.

I've learned a lot of things as I've grown. Most of the time, these lessons come in the form of life experience.

I learned to leave hair cutting to the professionals when I cut my bangs, at the age of four, a mere week before my aunt's wedding, in which I was a flowergirl. You don't want to see those pictures. Pretty embarassing.

I learned that church is a place to not start talking loudly during the sermon, as I was being carried outside for a spanking, much to my dismany.

I learned that it's important to study for school when I made that first failing grade on a worksheet in third grade; then learned the subsequent importance of honesty with your family when I tried to hide the evidence, and my guilt got the best of me.

I learned that it's important to follow the speed limit when I cried through receiving my first ticket.

I learned that money doesn't just show up, as if by magic, when I got that first phone call, telling me I'd overdrafted my checking account.

I learned that my hair doesnt like mousse when I tried to use it to style my hair, only to end up with a messy glob on the top of my head.

I'm still learning. I wish this wasn't the case sometimes... granted, I really love school, and gaining new information. I love discovering new things about people, and about the world, for the most part.

But lately, my lessons have been a little bit harder to learn.

I've learned that the world isn't always the beautiful place that I'd like it to be. That there's pain, and destruction, all around us.

I've learned that real life is much scarier than I thought it would be, and I'm none too upset about spending the next year becoming more prepared.

And I've learned that things don't always go according to my seemingly well-designed plans.

I remember, when I was younger, having growing pains. Not the emotional kind, though I did have my share of those.... but I'm talking about physical, searing growing pains. I used to get them through my legs, during the point in my life when I really grew in height. I'd lay on the couch and complain about the pain I felt.... how it stretched, and hurt, and how I'd rather just stay the height that I was. (All five feet of me didn't know any better).

I think life's that way sometimes. Growing is pain. It stretches. It makes us uncomfortable. Often, we'd like to stay right where we are... to stay five feet tall our whole lives long.

But when you're five feet tall, in that figurative sense, you miss all the beautiful things you could see at 5"9. You don't get any of the beautiful sights. You can't reach things that are high, and you can't ride all the great rides at the amusement park.

You know those rides. The ones with all the twists and turns... with the loops and the pipelines, and the 0-60 mph start. The ones that everyone wants to ride.

And we all know what those rides are in life. They're beautiful... they're fast... they're exciting.

Finding something you're passionate about.

Falling in love.

Getting a career.

They're the moments when you're strapped in, getting ready to embark, and you suddenly find yourself thinking, "WHAT have I gotten myself into? Maybe I want off!"

The beautiful thing is, nobody blames you for being scared before you start a coaster. They get it. It's terrifying. Often, you find yourself clutching onto the nearest stranger, praying that life will still be yours by the time the ride is over.

But I've never seen anyone get off a coaster and wish they hadn't gotten on for the ride.

Because you know, once you begin that ride, that your life will never be the same. Nothing will ever compare to that feeling of your stomach practically jumping into your throat, and the joy you feel, hands in the air, as you make that first big drop.

Makes the whole ride worth it.

So here's what I've most recently learned:

Don't let the fear of the coaster keep you from getting on. Chances are, you'll miss out on a ride that would have had you laughing, screaming, crying, and rejoicing. A ride that might have changed your life.

Blessings,

Amanda

The Jelly Chronicles

2011-06-24T07:57:00.000-07:00

Hello to all!
I thought I'd take this perfect opportunity to chronicle the tales of Jelly, the teenage dog.

For those of you who aren't aware, Jelly is my puppy that my precious family got me back in September. Flashback moment...

This was our first family picture together. Notice the smiles of joy and love.... the cuddly and warm disposition between mother and daughter.

Oh those were the good old days.

Haha, just kidding. Those were actually some rough old days. Back then, Jelly was so teensy, she couldn't even walk around the whole track circling ACU'S campus. We'd get about halfway on a walk, and shed just collapse her little body in the middle of the track and refuse to go any farther. So I'd have to pick her up and carry her home. It wasn't so bad... except for the time we got caught in a horrible rainstorm...

In case you can't tell, I'm SOAKED in this picture. Jelly was also crying. I got a small taste of what motherhood looks like when you subject your child to mortal peril, with raindrops that are practically the size of her head.

Back then, Jelly needed a bath every week or so. Usually she just smelled like puppy... you know... puppy fur, puppy breath... I smelled like puppy all the time. But I didn't mind so much. After all, she was pretty darn cute. But that girl hated bathtime. She'd squirm and whine and bark her little puppy barks. By the time we got done with the ordeal that was bathing Jelly, we'd both be worn out...
But that was okay with me. Back then, Jelly slept all the time. She'd sleep in the middle of the floor... in her bed... in my bed... but her favorite place to sleep was close to my neck, so she could feel my heartbeat. We went through a period of about three weeks where, if Jelly wasn't sleeping with me at night, nobody was sleeping.

Fast forward. Jelly Elizabeth McAdams is now no longer a puppy... but is now... A DOG.

Disregard the date. My camera is bonkers.

Because of this drastic change from puppydom to dog life, Jelly likes to do dog-like things now. For example... Jelly doesn't really like to cuddle right now. As in the case of most teenagers, for the most part, I have to make her cuddle with me...

She doesn't really like it. Except at three in the morning when all she wants to do is climb in bed and breath her stinky DOG breath in my face.

When people ask, I tell them that Jelly and I are going through our "Marley and Me" phase... you know... when your dog seems, for the most part, to be more deserving of the title of "terror" than that of "man's best friend."

Let me demonstrate.

Jelly loves to go for walks. Unlike her two-month-old puppy self, dog Jelly likes to not only walk around the track, but she prefers to run it. Because she now weighs the equivalent of a human child, it is also difficult for her mother (yours truly) to restrain her. So, for the most part, Miss Jelly pulls me along at an ungraceful gallop, for the entire two-mile stretch that is the Lunsford trail. She also likes to take a breather when we get to the pond/lake, and bound, headfirst, into the water. She splashes and rolls, taking extreme pleasure in the smelly pond and, in turn, taking extreme pleasure in shaking the excess water all over her loving mom.

Taking Jelly on walks has become more dificult, since moving to a house farther from campus. While I could take the option of walking around my neighborhood, the campus trail is much more fun.... so often, the Jellster and I will pack up in my teensy volkswagon bug, and drive to campus. This was also easy when she was a puppy... Jelly would sit, wide-eyed, in my lap, watching the other cars go by and licking my legs.

Now, however, she takes full advantage of the thrill of the ride. Yesterday, as I was driving through an intersection, she thought it would be fun to shift me from "drive" into "neutral"... rendering me immobile in the middle of a pretty busy area of the road. To make matters worse, she plopped herself down on top of my gear shift... and as I've mentioned... she's a big girl. So, as I pushed her off and yelled at her to stay away from me (like that would make a difference), the passing cars watched my plight.

Jelly also no longer sleeps all day. On the contrary... Jelly hardly sleeps at all during the night! Her favorite pasttime is waiting until I fall asleep, then starting to whine, and eventually bark, until I take her outside. Then she likes to wait until I get back in bed, and she will start to pound on the door, demanding admittance inside the house. However, when she does sleep, she looks like she's dead. Yes. All four legs straight up in the air... flat on her back. What a weirdo.

I wish I could say that Jelly Belly and I are close to our "Happily Ever After." But alas, I think we have some growing up to do. But that's okay. At the end of the day, you can't help but love her. Because, in spite of all the shoes she destroys, the bruises she leaves on my legs, and the barking that deafens my ears... she's still my puppy. And when I'm down... she always knows.

So to the best and worst dog in the world.... I love ya, you goober.

The King of the Jungle

2011-06-17T05:09:00.000-07:00

Well, it seems summertime and my blogging habits are not agreeing with one another. I promise, I will definitely try to be better in the future.
Good morning!
The past few weeks have been a blur of working at Old Navy, trying to cope with my major camp withdrawals, and getting our new house all set up and situated. Between all of that, and some research I've been doing for a professor, my days have been pretty packed. I'm trying to keep myself busy, because if you want complete honesty.... It's hard not being at camp. It's all I've known for the past three years, and while I love getting to go to bed when I want, dictating my own schedule, and taking my dog on walks around campus.... there's nothing that replaces the love that I have for those girls who were my campers over the past three summers. So prayers would be appreciated... especially for those precious middle and high school girls who each carry a piece of my heart with them.
Enough of that. Don't want to get too sappy for you. ;)

"What I see is tellin me this world's gone crazy, but, What is real says God's still on His throne, What I need is to remember one thing, that the Lord of the gentle breeze is Lord of the rough and tumble, and he is the King of the jungle." - Steven Curtis Chapman

Sometimes I sit in wonder at how much my heart aches for the world. Granted, I don't pay attention to these pains nearly as often as I should. The majority of the time, I tell myself that it's not a big deal. "There's injustice everywhere," I say to myself, "Just get used to it and move on."

But there are those rare moments... those beautiful occasions... where the pain of the world is just too loud to ignore. When my little bubble of safety and happiness isn't strong enough to keep out the pangs of my concious, and the life God has called me to live.

Sometimes I get angry. I find myself frustrated.

Why would God allow such desparity to reign? For children to starve and the elderly to be ignored and forgotten? For morality to be bypassed in favor of greed and chaos?

And then there's my own life. The moments when I feel as though God has utterly vanished... his "plans" and "leading" nonexistent.

The Lord of the gentle breeze is the Lord of the rough and tumble.

Whether I believe it or not.

I'm so reluctant to trust... so slow to believe. It's hard to understand that the God of my peaceful mornings could possibly be the God of my chaos. That he loves me in both situations. That He's unchanging.
Just some thoughts for the day.

Blessings.

Dancing Through Life

2011-05-30T06:08:00.001-07:00

Well hello there! It's been a while!

I know that many of you are wondering... What HAS that girl been up to? After all, with a college degree under her belt, she must be living up to some pretty fantastic expectations.

You would be... semi-correct.

The past few weeks have consisted of acclimation to a new job, filling my time with tv on dvd, and preparing for the impending doom that crawls toward me at the pace of a crippled snail.... graduate school.

Not that I'm complaining. I'm actually pretty excited about graduate school. When I think about the challenge that it's going to present... the endless hours that I will most likely spend in the library, and the late nights drinking coffee and reading utterly boring textbooks.... I honestly get a tingle of excitement.

I've never been one to back down from a challenge (excluding kindergarten when I was a slower runner than the other kids and, when on the verge of being tagged "it," I'd pretend like I had a leg cramp.... but I chalk that up to the formation of my acting skills). I'm excited to see what kinds of changes grad school will bring. More than that, though, I'm so thankful for the opportunity I have to be able to further my education. Having worked with so many individuals, over the past year, who don't have that ability, I am reminded that it is a privelege not to be taken lightly.

So I thought I'd give you a few of the highlights that have been filling my days recently. Feel free to consider these professional recommendations.

First of all, you should know about my new job! I'm working at Old Navy for the summer, mainly to have something to do before school starts in July. "Retail?," you ask? Why yes. And honestly, I'm really enjoying it. Granted, I would probably rather be laying by a pool all day, but it's been fun learning to do something new and interacting with different kinds of people on a daily basis. Plus, the discount isn't too bad either.

I'm also in the midst of that fun-filled process called MOVING. Yes, I hate it. I've never enjoyed moving. It just sees bothersome and frustrating most of the time. However, last night I finished packing up my room (big accomplishment!) and am now just waiting until Friday when my parents are coming to help me. Let's be real... the volkswagon does not have furniture-moving capabilities.
And in the midst of those late-night packing sessions, there's Buffy. That's right ladies and gentlemen, I have done the unthinkable, and have gotten hooked on a show about vampires. More specifically, a vampire slayer. Do not judge. I was once one of you. However, I've already finished the first season. While many might surmise that a girl, living alone in a house that formerly housed six, wouldn't be a fan of watching creepy tv shows at night, those individuals obviously haven't watched Buffy.
More recently, I've begun following the life and times of Veronica, thanks to my good friend and Veronica-watching-buddy, Emily Loper. Granted, this love affair only started two days ago.... but I have the feeling it's the start of a beautiful relationship. Stay tuned.
My new kindle! Mom and Daddy gave it to me for graduation, and I must say... I'm loving it so far. Having been a bookworm for most of my life, I'm always up for a lazy day of reading. Granted, my days have been far from lazy... but I'm still always up for a good book.

That's basically the ingredients of the past few weeks for me. Well, throw in lots of diet coke and sharkys burritos.... and some time at the gym. I know... I am just too wild and crazy for my own good.

So things plug along. I'm trying to become a person who focuses more directly on enjoying the present, rather than feeling as though I have to constantly be looking toward the future. I don't think this is a bad quality of mine.... however, I do realize that it sometimes impedes my ability to really live in the moment and enjoy where God puts me. So I'm living. Trying not to worry.

Blessings.

No day but today

2011-05-19T07:22:00.000-07:00

Me and Mom at Graduation!

Well, you are officially reading the words of a college graduate!
That's right, on Saturday I received my Bachelor's of Science in Social Work! You can probably tell that I've become a much more highly educated individual, soley by the intellectual prowess thatI demonstrate in this post, when compared to the last.
Haha, just kidding.
It is a pretty surreal feeling. While it's hard to believe that I can simply walk across a stage and suddenly merit the term, "Alumni," it has also been a long time coming. The past four years have been transforming. I never honestly would have pictured myself at this present place in my life four years ago, as I drove my little silver bug to Abilene. What a ride it's been.
So many "thank you's" to be said, and so many goodbyes to be tearfully muttered.
The weekend was really enjoyable. My family came in, and we all just got to spend some time together. It was really nice.
So now I'm adjusting to post-grad life, which, for all intensive purposes, means working at my new job at Old Navy until graduate school starts in July. Don't even get me started on how terrifying that thought is! Not only does ACU boot me out into the real world, but now I'm taking on something bigger!
It's exciting. I'm honestly really looking forward to the changes that this next year will hopefully bring about.

But enough nostalgia for one day.
This morning, I've been working a desk shift at Hope Haven, and I've honestly just had the best time! Not only does the most adorable 3 year old, Bella, keep poppng her head in my office to come sit with me, butI got to watch all of our residents get ready for the day. It's in moments like these that I realize that my family is not quite so crazy and dysfunctional after all! All families run around, rushing to get ready in the morning. Honestly, it's kind of refreshing. Having not spent long amounts of time with my family while I've been in school, it's nice to get to spend time around these precious families! I get to watch them eat breakfast... sign folders for school... go out to meet the bus.
I think I often see people with an unintentional bias. While I've sat in tons of classes, meant to establish cultural competence and acceptance of individuals different than myself, I often fail so miserably in doing so. Even just this morning, I think I drove over to Hope Haven, just anticipating havoc. But these families are so similar to my own. Though they don't have houses, or maybe cars... these families are just like mine. They love each other.... they fight.... they help each other get ready for school.
Maybe we'd all be a little better if we stopped more often to remember that we're all more similar than we realize... or are willing to admit.

Just some thoughts for the day.

Help my Unbelief...

2011-05-09T20:44:00.001-07:00

I've blogged quite a few times about wanting to be an individual who trusts firmly in God's faithfulness. I have such a strong and fervent desire to be a woman devoted to prayer, to His greater plans for my life. I want so badly to be a believer in His goodness and mercy; his justice and loving guidance.

I don't know what it is; maybe it's my impending graduation or the quickly approaching uncertainty of my future... but I'm struggling tonight. Struggling with thoughts of fear and frustration.

I want faith to be easy. Goodness, I want to have a simplistic belief. But it's not easy. This fervent desire in my heart isn't pacified quickly.

I want Him to recognize the desires of my heart. I want him to listen to my silent prayers, the cries of my heart in the dark.

Granted, I realize that my childish and somewhat selfish desires aren't, nor should they be, the sole interest of the creator of a universe. But goodness, I wish this whole faith thing was easier. I don't want to be scared anymore. I hate the feeling of uncertainty that accompanies dreams unfulfilled.

Because honestly, there are lots of things that I want, that my heart yearns for. There are so many things that I think about, wishing it was time for them to be fulfilled. I know that there is a season for everything, every activity under heaven. But I want to get to a place of contentment. I want to learn to feel joy in unfulfilled desires, complete in the knowledge that promises will be kept.

Pretty deep stuff, I know. Sorry if it's more than you bargained for. This is where I am tonight. I know it's all right to be here; in places of fear and anxiety. I just wish it didn't feel so lonely sometimes.

Worth the Risk

2011-05-05T14:05:00.000-07:00

Last night, I went to my last club meeting. I'll admit, I didn't think I would end up quite as emotional as I was. As I stood in front of the women who have made my past three years of college such special ones (from pledging, to sing song, to formals, and late night movies), I was genuinely moved. Yes, these women have been my friends. We have had so much fun together. I can't count the number of times I've taken a walk around the Lunsford, eaten a Sharky's burrito, or watched Sing Song videos, performing all the moves, with women in Sigma Theta Chi.
But last night I realized.... the reason why my heart breaks at the thought of not being a part of this community anymore, is because of my vulnerability with these women.

I've always been a big believer in the holiness of vulnerability. When you think about it, God ordains many of the most significant parts of life to include vulnerability. Adam and Eve were naked, obviously inducing vulnerability, in the garden. Jesus was killed in a way that was humiliating and for common criminals... making him vulnerable. Saul was struck by blindness on the road, making him vulnerable.
Most of our most evident encounters with God's presence/plans are when our hearts are at their most tender places.

This is what makes relationship with others something that reflects God's goodness.
These women know me... some of them, honestly, know me better than I know myself. They know the tender parts of my heart, where very few have trod. They understand the scars of my pasts, the wounds of my present, and the fears of my future.

So our friendship with one another is holy. It's different. It's more than a five dollar pizza on a Friday night, or a pint of ice cream and a sappy movie. It's a vulnerable, honest, committed responsibility to another human being.

What a beautiful thought; that I believe in a God who would bring individuals into my life who would so accurately portray His love and devotion for me, it would floor me at times.

I want to learn to be a creator of this type of community. To generate authentic love and compassion for other individuals in very real and tangible ways.
This isn't easy. Being vulnerable HURTS. It takes work. It's embarrassing and brutal at times, and not everyone is ready for it. Because when someone knows the real you.... beyond the smiles and the hugs, the "I'm fine"s and the laughter... More often than not, hearts are aching. They are yearning for someone to know who they truly are, and what they truly feel. And it's risky. What if I'm rejected? What if they don't love me enough to forgive me for my inadequacies? What if they judge me?
And sometimes they do.

Again quoting the literary prowess of Dr. Suess: "Be who you are, and say what you feel. Because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

So I decide to be real. I decide to be vulnerable. I don't have to pretend that things always go the way that I want, or that my heart doesn't need to be taped back together sometimes.

If there's one thing that I've learned as a Siggie, it's this: Honest relationships trump all. Authentic lives... ones where we don't have to hide who we are, or our flaws that we are terrified for others to see.... is so worth the risk.

Good.

2011-05-03T13:32:00.000-07:00

I've always been a bookworm.

It's true. From the time I was small, I've loved to read. In my personal opinion, a perfect day could consist of a rainy afternoon or evening, curled up in an overstuffed chair... drinking coffee and reading a good book.
While I'll admit, college life has made the whole novel concept of "reading for fun" almost a thing of the past, I am convinced that one day, after all these papers and assignments have come to an end, my world will be thrust back into color, and books will be a pleasure once more.

One of my favorite authors, and one who has stuck a strong chord with me lately, is C.S. Lewis. Not only was he a literary genius, but He has a way of connecting to people's hearts in ways that not many individuals can understand. Most, at this point, are familiar with his works, especially that of "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe." I ran across an old journal of mine, with this quote etched in the front, and it took on a whole new meaning for me:

"Then he isn't safe?" said Lucy.

"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver. "Don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."

I'm a planner. I love writing in my calendar... jotting down things of importance and dates of assignments. I love the feeling of crossing something off my list of "to-do's," and I wouldn't be caught dead attending class without a paper completed because I "forgot" about it. This is not to impugn those who do; however, I am simply not one of those people.
I like my plans. I like the way it feels to know what's around the bend; what the next bump in the road will be.

But lately, my life has not looked as safe as I'd like.

Sure, I do have most things lined up. Grad school will be starting in a matter of months, and in a week and a half I will be graduating from college. Wow. Time flies. But the last thing that I've been feeling, over the course of the past few months, is safety.

It's good to be reminded that I'm not necessarily called to a life of security.

What a beautiful idea, that of his goodness. Because of my "planner" personality, I so often associate risk with danger, with evil. In fact, often, I disassociate myself with that risk all together. To trust in the goodness of God, rather than the safety of my own plans, would be an accomplishment indeed.

Even greater than that would be knowing his goodness, without needing him to prove it to me. I think that, as Christians, we so often promise to trust him, IF...
IF you heal my uncle's cancer.
IF you restore my parents' broken marriage.
IF you make that really cute boy on the second row ask me on a date.

But maybe trusting that the good path isn't always the safe one would change the way in which I live. Maybe I would be willing to go out on a limb. Maybe I'd become more of a risk-taker.
Maybe you would too.

Just something to think about.
Blessings,
Amanda

Hotels and Soccer

2011-04-25T10:25:00.001-07:00

Happy Monday to all!

I hope that your Easter weekends were thoroughly blessed! I must say that, while exhausting, mine was so great. I spent the weekend in DFW, at Leadership Training for Christ, and while it's been a few years since I've been a participant, I still love going. There's something about the feel of LTC weekend... seeing people who you haven't seen in months, watching my sisters participate in their events, and spending lots of quality time with my mom and dad... that's irreplacable. I can't honestly imagine an Easter not taking place at LTC. What a blessed woman I am, to have been able to grow and become the person that I am, through participating in such an awesome event.
I was especially blessed, as aformentioned, to watch my sisters participate in their events. Maggie gave a speech Saturday morning that was just spectacular, and Abby got to sign for the deaf at the big service on Sunday morning, which is a big honor and a testimony to how talented she is. What a way to spend a weekend!

And now, I'm back to work/school. Just three more weeks, and I will be a college graduate! It feels so weird! I can't believe that the past four years have flown by so quickly, and I'm moving on to this next step of my life.
In other news, our big 2nd annual Hope Haven soccer tournament is coming up this weekend! If anyone would like to volunteer to help out, get in touch with me! We'd love to have you come out and support us, and you'd be helping us raise money for a great organization that benefits the homeless in Abilene! Keep us in your prayers; It's a pretty big undertaking, and the next week will be chaotic!

I just wanted to check in and give a life update. I hope that things are going so well and you have a blessed week!

Holey Hearts

2011-04-15T12:05:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel alone?

I'm not talking about boredom, or even feeling lonely. The kind of feeling that I'm exploring is one of heartache. It's intense, and it stings. It's one that creates a desparity that just wrecks havoc on your heart and soul.

I have these days.

They're days when you feel as if the entire world is banned together, and forget to invite you to the party. Days when everything and everyone around you seems to be purposefully turning their backs, making it impossible for you to catch their attentions.

I guess this is part of the human condition.

Stealing, again, from Rich Mullins:
"I think that part of being human is being alone, and being lonely. I think one of the stresses on a lot of our friendships is that we require the people we love to take away that loneliness. and they really can't. And so, when we still feel lonely, even in the company of people we love, we become angry with them because they don't do what we think they're supposed to. Which is really something that they can't do for us."

I have a holey heart. Not "holy," mind you, but holey.

So often, I fool myself into thinking that I'm fulfilled. After all, I have everything I could possibly need, and much more than I want on most days. I'm blessed so ridiculously abundantly, and I am very thankful. I cram my time full of friends, internships, jobs, schoolwork, club, and church. I run around in circles, telling myself that what I'm doing is by choice. I love my friends. I love my internship, and my job, and all the other things that fill my life until it feels like I could pop.

But in reality, it's not by choice at all. I'm searching. Desperately, earnestly, beseechingly searching. I'm looking for something to fill those empty spaces in my holey heart. I'm begging someone or something, anything, to love me back. To make me seem worth the trouble.

But, the way that I see it, it's like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Because at the end of the day, all of these things that I fill my life with are so pathetically insufficient.

Don't misinterpret what I'm saying. I am so thankful for the blessings that I've been given, and the relationships in my life. God's placed them in life for a reason, and I intend on basking in them.

Oh but sometimes my heart aches for a relief from the loneliness that this world gives me. Sometimes it's so powerful that I can barely breathe. I won't believe that I'm the only person that feels this way. It's a common aspect of life, I believe, for most people. This is evidenced in our society. Women leave their husbands because they feel isolated, and someone else promises to fulfill them. Little girls make promises, and give things away, in an attempt to feel loved. Men abandon children and look for something else to make them feel more adequate. Teens bounce from activity to activity, longing to gain acceptance in a world that makes you feel like an outcast.

It makes sense. I know that this world is not what I'm meant for. I know there's something greater, and I know that I don't belong here. 1 Peter 2 calls us "aliens and strangers," and I know that I have to agree.

But where does it end? When do the empty spaces in my soul get filled? When does my HOLEY heart transform into a HOLY heart?

I'm tired of running. So tired of begging other people to see the value and worth in me. This isn't what I'm called to do as a believer.

In order to live fulfilling lives, we have got to start finding affirmation in the one place where it can't go unfulfilled. The one source that refuses to let us down, and be insufficient.

Granted, this is much easier said than done. You, I'm sure, like me, want a voice you can hear. A person who can touch you. A reliable, physical presence to whisper the words that you so desperately long to hear. And this is human. It's not flawed thinking. There is a divide between us and the divine, and it makes it so much more difficult to listen to truth.

But I want a source that won't let me down. I'm tired of solely trusting in those who are just as flawed as me. Because there's something greater. Goodness, I forget so often. Someone who, while I consistently disappoint, won't run, and won't avoid. What a beautiful, and reassuring thought, that someone could love me, solely because I'm me.

I want a holy heart. I want to live with those spaces full, even overflowing; and while I don't honestly know how to tangibly do that quite yet, I think the first step might just be the knowledge that I want to try.

A Masterpiece

2011-04-14T12:58:00.000-07:00

"Your friends that have kids and on their refrigerators they have those really horrible scribblings that their kids do. And they're really proud of them. And you look at them and you go, how can you possibly put that up in front of other people for them to see? I think that a lot of us think that someday we're going to become the VanGogh of Christianity. That we're going to paint something truly, truly beautiful, and God is going to be so impressed that he's going to hold us up and say, 'Here's an exemplary Christian.' But you know what? I think God just likes people to scribble, however awful it comes out. And then he goes, this is my kids'." -Rich Mullins

Yes, again, I'm starting out this post with Rich Mullins. But I'm thinking that, if his quotes bother you, you've probably ceased reading my blog at this point. So I don't feel too badly. :)

Wow. These words have just been running through my head all day long. What a beautiful picture (no pun intended) of what our lives are.
When I think about the way that I want to affect the world that I live in, I get so nervous. As children, we're filled with these ideas of success and competency, full of challenges to be our best. We're told that we're capable of anything and everything, and we believe it for a while.
Then harsh reality hits. Bills have to be paid. Weddings thrown. Children clothed.
Somewhere, in the midst of gritty real life, we forget about the life we were "supposed" to live.

Then, after years and years of somehow getting by, often, individuals feel as if their lives were wasted. We study this in school all the time. Middle aged and older adults, going through all sorts of crises, with the thought that their lives have been for naught.
I have to admit... even at 21, at times, I feel as though I don't have the potential to change the world in the ways that I want to.

And yet, the beautiful point of all of it, is this: I don't have to. Sometimes, in the midst of my ambition, I forget that my scribbles are enough.
This world is hard enough on our hearts. We face rejection, pain, suffering, and injustice on a daily basis. There are times when I fall into bed, completely exhausted from the sheer unhappiness that surrounds me.
Yet, even with the cruelty of our society, we continue to beat ourselves up. Sometimes we get to ourselves, before anyone else even can.

"I'm not good enough."

"I won't ever measure up."

"I keep messing up. I'll never get better."

Thoughts like these reverberate in our souls, making it impossible to shut out the lies.

And yet, all He's asking of us is scribbles.

On the days when you're the hardest on yourself, when you feel as though you can't do anything right, He's rejoicing in your scribbles.
When you've made the same mistake, over and over and over again, and your heart is just weighed down with frustration, He's rejoicing in your inability to color inside the lines.
And when those around you are disappointed in your inability to live up to their expectations, He's celebrating that you're using all the colors in the box.

I think this is a message I've needed over the past year, one that I haven't been able to believe. Honestly, the most difficult part of living as a Christian, at times, is forgiving yourself for not being good enough.
But no amount of goodness, whether authentic or pretend, is going to live up. Thank God. Because I'm not good enough. But He is.
And while my scribbles, at times, might seem like the most miserable failures in my eyes, He rejoices in my work. He delights in my triumphs, and forgives my failures. What a reminder, on days when I seem to only see my inadequacies.

You're good enough. His power is made perfect in your weakness. So delight in your scribbles. Use every crayon in your box. He's delighting in your triumph.

What if I stumble?

2011-04-11T17:19:00.000-07:00

"I'm going to say to you what the angels said to every character in the bible that they encountered, except Mary, the mother of Jesus. They said, 'Don't be afraid.' We've got a little while to go yet in this life, and it's a scary thing, but don't be afraid. Be of good cheer. He has overcome the world. And He has chosen to dwell within us. And we ain't all that big of a deal, but our savior is. He will walk with us through this life, and when it's over, He will raise us up again, and take us to be where He is. Not because of what we've done, but because of who He is. Because of the love He has for us." -Rich Mullins

I'm terrified. Not in a "oh I'm a little bit nervous, but I'll get over it... Just gotta get some perspective and I'll be all right" kind of way. I'm scared.

I guess it comes with the territory of being young. I suppose that those of us, living in the midst of the fear, are too scared to see past it, while those who are older, and much wiser, might just be too far past it to be scared.

From previous posts, most of you probably know that I'm a worrier. I tend to exxagerate things in my head, blowing them ridiculously out of proportion, until I can barely breathe, I'm so consumed with my fear.
I'm a perfectionist, and I'm a planner. I like things to go according to my schedule, and if they don't, I feel thrown off balance. But here comes graduation; and while I am excited beyond belief at this next chapter of my life, quickly approaching, I am also quickly coming to the realization of how consumed with fear I actually am.
I'm being very vulnerable with this post, so please forgive me if it's not up to the standards of excellence you're so used to. Haha :)

I don't know where life is going. Granted, I have a timid plan. I know that I have graduate school for the next year. I know that the coming months will be filled with books and theses, libraries and papers. I know that I'll probably cry a little more than I should, and my days will be counted in page numbers. But I don't know where God's calling me to be.

I know this is a somewhat "normal" problem for most individuals my age. We come upon the verge of graduation, and we are all filled with one deep-rooted fear.

"What if I don't have what it takes?"

There are others that roll around in my head as well:

"What if I fall down and can't quite make it back up?"

"What happens when I have to do this alone?"

It's terrifying. Honestly, the more that I think about my cloudy future, the more nervous I become. So here I am, on the verge of graduation. It's a mere month away. And as I attend graduation dinners, plan my summer, and look at places to live next year, I find myself fretting away the opportunities that are in front of me.

What kind of worry consumes you? What part of your heart do you keep hidden from the world, afraid that they'll judge you for your fears? What does that voice in your head say when you're alone, and there's nowhere to turn?

He has overcome the world, and He has chosen to dwell within us.

I'm not as alone as I believe that I am. I'm not as ill-equipped, or as inadequate as I believe myself to be. I serve a God who has overcome the very world that I fear so deeply. I belong to a Creator who formed me with a purpose in mind. I'm not nothing. So while I continue to fear... thoughts and emotions rolling around in my head, even as I type these words, I commit to peace. I commit to joy. I will take heart in the love of a Father so much greater than myself, with such greater purposes.

I don't know what kinds of fear you wrestle with. Whether it's lonliness, fear of future failure, or maybe even fear of what you are capable of, ther's one thing I do know. Nothing's too big. The most terrifying and threatening monsters in my closet of fears can't measure up. I know it's hard to believe. I know because I wrestle with this on a daily basis. But I also know that, as the day quickly approaches where I'll step right into my future, running the risk of falling flat on my face, I'm not quite alone. And that's a pretty great reassurance.

A Broken Hallelujah

2011-04-05T10:04:00.000-07:00

Things don't always go my way.

I hate to admit it, and I know that some of you may be shocked... but it's true.

The "picture perfect" lifestyle that I dream up in my head rarely bares its' pretty little head in reality. I like to fool myself into thinking that all of my expectations will be met. Everyone I meet will behave the way that I want them to. The Lord will see fit to refill my bank account whenever it gets low, much like the widow whose oil jar he refilled over and over when Elijah came to visit. My teachers will give me good grades without any work on my part, and everyone will clear the streets when I'm running late, so I can arrive on time.

I know, it sounds good huh?

I think that one of the hardest lessons to learn, as I'm growing up, is that of disappointment. Everything doesn't always go my way, and sometimes, it's not my fault. Sometimes things are just not meant to be the way that I picture them in my head.
In fact, many times, the things that I picture in my head wouldn't necessarily be the best things for me. Lord knows I've had to learn this lesson. There have been so many things, within just the past four years, that I've wanted. I've whined and complained and cried (I know, it sounds like I'm four) because I haven't had my desires fulfilled. Things didn't go my way. I didn't get what I wanted.

But I guess life isn't about getting what you want all the time.

Granted, it hurts. Dealing with disappointment, with pain and frustration, is one of the hardest emotions to get over. This is because it works at the very depths of your heart. Sometimes, these disappointments come from expectations and hopes that we aren't even willing to voice aloud; when these go unfulfilled, often, something inside of us breaks. The innocence of fulfilled dreams and wishes. It kind of just disappears.

So we grow up. We force those dreams to the back of our hearts and minds, and resign ourselves to a life of unhappiness... of discontent.

But even in the midst of this... There's something better.

I think it's all about a broken hallelujah.

Broken in a way that, at times, hurts worse than anything else. Rejection. Loneliness. Bitterness. Broken so much that there are days when we don't ever feel like we'll be whole again. Like the little pieces of our hearts just can't be put back together.

But a broken hallelujah calls for more. It calls for praise in the midst of pain, joy when surrounded by despair. It's about the knowledge that there's something greater than circumstance. Sometimes, I think, it's the only way that we can possibly stay sane in a broken world, filled with broken people.

I'm not very good at this concept. I like to pretend that I am. I can talk all day about being joyful in the midst of affliction and giving thanks when there seems to be little to be thankful for. However, when it comes to actively living this discipline out in my life, I find myself incapable of practicing what I preach. It's a hard concept to live. It calls for a sense of humility, contentment, and peace.

I know that many of my blog posts detail the kind of person that I want to be. Full of compassion, grace, dignity, and love. But this is special to me, because it hits so close to home in the lives of so many. We all live with the scars of disappointment and promises unfulfilled. But I choose to praise. I choose to live beyond circumstance. I choose a broken hallelujah. Sometimes it's the only hallelujah I can give.

La Paz.

2011-03-29T13:53:00.000-07:00

One of the biggest blessings in my life, over the past few years, has been my weekly bible studies, based on Beth Moore's different materials. We've done one of her studies every semester; Esther, John, the beloved Disciple, David. These Wednesday night hours have done wonders for my heart and mind. I've grown in innumberable ways, and I think it's helped me get a little closer to the woman that God wants me to be.
Currently, we are doing Beth's study on the fruits of the spirit, which has been so beneficial thus far.
This past week, we did her study on peace.

As a woman who could use some peace in my tumultuous life, you can imagine that I was all ears.

One of the ideas that she presented that, in fact, intrigued me, was the thought of being a "peacemaker" instead of a "peacekeeper."

If you think about the beauty of this statement, I think that you can agree that it's pretty ingenious.

I don't want to live my life, keeping the peace with no regard to the consequences, or the ways in which it might affect me later in life. I want something better. I want to make peace.

What would my world look like if I left people with a sense of peace? This doesn't necessarily entail those individuals getting exactly what they want, or feeling as if I side with them on all issues. It's leaving people feeling content with our interaction. Confidence in the fact that they were heard... that someone listened to what they had to say, and cared about the way that they felt. I think that's what peacemaking is all about.

Granted, this isn't an easy thing to do. In my world of mini-crises, arguments, and stress, peacekeeping is a far more appealing option. It's quicker, easier, and in many instances, leaves me feeling better about myself. However, I believe that part of living as the woman God has called me to be, is being willing to do what is necessary to make peace in the lives of those whom I love, even when the idea isn't a popular one.

I've titled this post with the spanish word for peace, "Paz," for a reason. Upon thinking about peace... both making it and keeping it... I found myself dwelling upon the most peaceful moment that I believe I've had. It was on a trip to Mexico, my junior year of High School. I vividly remember laying in a hammock as the sun set... it was cooler, but not cold. I swung lightly back and forth, watching waves lap the shore... and I was at peace.
That's not to suggest that I didn't have worries. If you know me at all, you know that a second does not pass by during which I am not worrying. But for a moment in time, one so rare that I remember it so very vividly... I felt at peace.

I think that the key to peace is realizing that there's something bigger, and more important, than yourself.

This is hard in our world. We are a society taught, from birth, that everything revolves around self. What kind of college will I attend? How much will I make? How good lookin' will my spouse be? Will my kids be in the accelerated class?

Very rarely do we stop to realize that there's so much more than our own little corners of the world. There are people, living on this earth, whom I will never know existed. They will lead lives with the same ups and downs as mine... they will get married, have children, and make an impact on their mini-worlds... but I'll never know they lived.

Maybe peacefulness comes from realizing that, while things may be so much worse than you think you can physically stand, there are bigger things. That, through it all, there's something to be thankful for. A reason to make it to the next day. Maybe, when we realize that, peace will come in abundance.

So instead of keeping the peace by pacifying people in my life, I want to be a peacemaker. I want to leave people, not necessarily irreparably happy, though it would be nice, but peaceful. I think it would probably make all the difference.

Be Still and Know.

2011-03-25T13:00:00.000-07:00

I've always been a person who thrives in chaos.

It's true. From the time I was younger, I've performed better when things are happening around me.
A loud, busy, bustling classroom.
Music blaring as I complete a project that I put off until the night prior to its' due date.
People running around, saying hello, as I write a paper in the library.
I just do well in the midst of activity.

I like the feeling of not being alone. As an extrovert, I draw strength and energy from other individuals. I love running around all day long, hardly having a minute to rest, and collapsing onto the couch at the end of a long day. It's fulfilling somehow... like the way your stomach aches when you've eaten too much, or your muscles hurt when you've overexercised them. It's contentment in a hard day's work. I love the buzz of activity, the way that it feels to say hello.

Psalm 37:7
"Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes."

And I love noise. I'm a loud person... I love the sounds of laughter... of thunderstorms... I can't live without sounds of music.
Sound drives the pace of my life. Footsteps running down the sidewalk. Strong bass sounds, pumping from the windows of cars. Fingers typing on keyboards, filling the office with the manifest sounds of information.

Psalm 46:10
"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

I love talking. Long, draw out conversations. Laughing and chatting and crying together. Big groups of people, sitting around the table... playing games and joking with each other. The moments that make life so worth living.

Exodus 14:14
"The LORD will fight for you; you need only be still. "

I HATE being still. There are few things that I dislike more. I get restless. My mind starts to roam. I start worrying about all the things that I have yet to do... the stressors in my life. I worry about the people whom I love. My heart begins to ache at dreams unfulfilled and present, less-than-ideal circumstances.

Mark 4:39
He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.

It's mentioned time and time again. Yet my mind can't wrap itself around the idea of being still before the Lord. My society doesn't call me to do that. In fact, it encourages me not to. It invented ipods and headphones, so music can fill my day. It introduced me to radios and stereos... pianos and drums. It gave me loud cars and even louder planes.

But how different might my life look if I was willing to just be silent, and be still?

Granted, I understand that life moves on, even when I don't. There are things to do, deadlines to meet, and people to see. Sitting in my room, hiding from the world, won't accomplish much of anything.

But my heart aches for a peace. Peace that I'm told surpasses understanding, even in the most chaotic of situations. My soul years to know a peace like that. And I think that it can't come without a little bit of silence.

On Mt. Carmel his voice was in a whisper.... not the fire and the chaos. Upon His death, it was silent. Not loud and tumultuous. And in my life, I think that He speaks in soft, sweet tones. Tones of reassurance... of this peace that I so long to know. I want to be a woman who takes the time to listen to his melodies. Perfect words of perfect peace. To be a person who manifests his love and sweetness into the lives of others.

I think it starts with being still. Listening to truth spoken in silence. While it's hard, and while it's not necessarily what I want... I'm determined to try. I think true knowledge of his goodness can only come when I know him intimately enough to distinguish it.

So how about it? Be a little still today. Sit with the television off for a few minutes. Spend some time relishing the silence, in the midst of your chaos. Maybe that is, in fact, one of the most holy experiences we can have on this earth.

Blessings on you and yours...
Manda

What do you say to taking chances?

2011-03-23T12:28:00.000-07:00

Look what I got today!

That's right ladies and gentlemen... today I got my graduation garb! I know that you are all jumping up and down with excitement at the thought of this huge landmark in my life. Go ahead, take a moment to wipe your eyes of your tears of ecstasy... I'll wait. Haha.

But yes, today was pretty exciting. As graduation becomes a bigger reality in my life, and I realize just how far I've come (and yet how far I have left to go!) I am getting somewhat nostalgic. After all, these past four years have been years of major change. From welcome week to pledging... freshman follies to club sing song... From being a family studies major, to a nursing major, and finally finding my niche in Social Work... it's been a journey. I've gone through such great excitement, heartache, fear, anticipation, celebration, and disappointment; and while some might see my short 21 years as just a piece of this whole puzzle that my life will comprise, I feel as though I've gained a lifetime of knowledge. So today, I thought I'd share some words of experience... some funnier, some more serious. It's okay if you don't take them too seriously... but I just wanted to reflect.

Things I've learned at ACU:

1) It's okay to be silly. While it may seem ridiculous for a 20 year old to run around in a costume that looks like a cupcake, if one wants to enjoy life fully, take advantage of opportunities to be silly. It'll change the way you see the world.

2) No matter how old you get, or how grown up you THINK you are... you'll always need your mom and dad. No amount of independence can be worth more than their presence in your life.

3) Freshman year, when they are out of schmear for your blueberry bagel, put peanut butter on it. It'll taste great and you will have a lifelong love.

4) Sharkys burritos are the best. Not only for your stomach, but for your social life. Eat spicy ranch.

5) It's not worth worrying about the little things. In the grand scheme of life, you won't remember how many hours it took you to finish that project... or how low your bank account was when you ate ramen noodles for two weeks straight. Worry is so overrated. (Still learning this one)

6) Pledging is a great idea. You'll meet so many people and branch out so much farther beyond yourself than you'd have imagined. But even if it's not club, it is so important to be involved in something.

7) Finding a church to call a home is superduper important. It'll give you support and a place to rest. Don't bother church hopping. If you find one that you like, stay there. Chances are, you'll keep loving it.

8) Heartbreak heals. Just because something hurts today, doesn't mean it will hurt tomorrow. Or months from this moment. Take each day one step at a time, and cherish moments. You won't regret the time spent distracting yourself from heartache.

9) If you're not sure what you want to do with your life, talk to people about it! They honestly probably know what would suit you almost better than you do!

10) Pay your bills on time.

11) When you look professional, people treat you professionally.

12) Music will always soothe your soul, no matter what's going on in your life. Nothing beats laying outside in the sunshine, listening to your favorite music. It's cathartic.

13) Exercising is worth the time. It'll make you feel better about yourself, and life in general. Do it. Even when you'd rather take a nap.

14) With that being said, take advantage of nap time! It's fantastic. I live for nap time these days.

15) Finally, just love people. You'll surprise yourself with how many people want to spend time with you, and how much you bless the lives of others.

With those said, time for me to get back to work. Maybe, if you're lucky, I'll add some more of these as graduation approaches. Haha. But for now, pray for my heart. While graduation is pretty darn exciting, it's also simultaneously terrifying.

Blessings.
Manda

Life ain't always beautiful...

2011-03-22T13:15:00.000-07:00

I once knew a woman who described people in colors. I like this description. Sometimes, labeling someone with a color is much easier than coming up with adjectives and rhetoric to describe their personalities. Colors fit people, at times, so much better than words.
So, with that said, I've always been told, by her, that I'm a yellow.
I like being a yellow. Yellow is cheerful... it's pretty. It's sunny and shiny and lovable, almost childlike. It's positive and optimistic.
But lately I've been having a gray attitude.

"Life ain't always beautiful. Some days it's just plain hard."

I struggle when my life isn't going beautifully, the way that I'd planned. I have a difficult time when I'm trying to be okay with the gray days.
I'm trying to learn to be content in the gray, but it's hard. It makes everything seem so much darker.... tinged, somehow, with the overwhelming knowledge that nothing is as bright and beautiful as it should be.

I'm a chronic worrier. I'd say it's my biggest struggle in life. I worry about everything: relationships, money, school, the future, insecurities.
I hate this part of my personality. Some might argue that it's an ok weakness... it equips me to be better prepared for life and its' pitfalls. I'm aware of what might happen... I've already accounted for it in my own head. Most of the time, I'm prepared for what's to come.

But I'm so tired of living life halfway. I want to live in the moment. I want to enjoy where I am, without constantly fearing what is ahead. I want to learn to personify trust, and faith, in a God who promises never to forsake.
I think that's my main problem. I have such an extreme lack of faith.

I want faith that can move mountains.

But I think it takes making tangible steps toward that. I don't think it's necessarily easy. It's a choice, a decision that you have to make, to trust even when it hurts. Because I don't think that faith is supposed to be easy... in fact, in its' truest form, I think it probably aches in a way that few can understand. It's against our nature, to trust in something we can't see.
Oh but I want to trust.

So that's where I am. It's what I'm working on. Changing my perception of who God is, for a better understanding of who I can be. When I think about it, He's always proven himself faithful. It just scares me to put my future in someone else's hands.

I guess, in the long run, my future wasn't ever really in my hands to begin with.

Truth tellers

2011-03-03T12:04:00.000-08:00

I think that I've blogged about this concept before, but it's really been on my heart the past few days... So I think I'll renew my thoughts here...

I grew up going to bible class. I knew all the answers. "Jesus" and "church" could pretty get me my weekly star sticker to show mom and dad, and I strutted around that building like I owned the place. I swung my bible around, running in my white shiny shoes around the auditorium.... waiting for someone to have the audacity to tell me to stop, which rarely happened. But I knew where I belonged. I knew that God forgave little girls for running in the church building (in hindsight, almost knocking older women over!).
And I knew about Satan too. Like many children, I grew up with the notion that he ran around with his horns and pitchfork, cackling wildly and sitting atop my left shoulder, while his angelic counterpart sat on my right, urging me to ignore his words of false wisdom. It was easy, for me, to say no to the temptations that he pitched to little girls, at least, most of the time.

He looks a lot different to me now.

I'm a firm believer in the fact that Satan is pursuant. He pursues me with a desire that far outweighs what I used to believe as I ran through those pews. He's seductive, and he's enticing. But more than anything, he has this effortless way of causing me to despair.

It's hard living with joy, when it's much easier to believe the lies.

And his lies are abundant. Lies about the way I look. Lies about my value. Lies about what will happen in the future, and lies about how others see me.

Sometimes I simply can't break free from them.
So what do I do? When I'm drowning from the ache that these lies set in my heart, and when my world seems full of what I'm forced to believe....

Most of you who know me, also know this woman:
For those of you who don't, let me introduce you. This is Mickey McCloud. She's my truth teller.

Beth Moore once said, "We're going to have to let truth scream louder to our souls than the lies that have infected us."

Mickey is my truth that screams when my heart just refuses to listen.

Do you have some relationships that just attest to the ways in which God created true friendship to be? Sometimes I find myself amazed at how truly and genuinely I've been blessed by my friendship with Mickey. She works for Lifeway, in Nashville, in their women's ministry... and while I hate that she had to grow up, graduate, and move so far away, I am also so excited to see where God is going to take her on this journey... She is blessed with a beautiful spirit and many gifts that equip her to be an amazing minister to the kingdom.

Anyways, my point is this: I think that everyone, young or old, man or woman.... everyone needs a truth teller. Someone to dispell the belief that you aren't good enough. Someone to remind you who you are, and why you're worth it.
This idea is biblical. David and Jonathan. Esther and Mordecai. Naomi and Ruth. Jesus and his disciples.
Who, in your life, screams loud enough to drown out the lies? Who's there to remind you of who God created you to be?

If you don't have one, find your Mickey. I promise, it's worth it.

Blessings,
Amanda

Such as these

2011-03-01T08:39:00.000-08:00

"Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to me. And do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.'" -Matthew 19:14

I've always loved kids. You can ask anyone that knows me, and they'll tell you that I come alive in a way that I don't at any other time, when I'm around children. Doesn't matter what age they are; whether they're babies or five-year-olds, or even at that awkward stage of 11 and 12, when they are utterly unlovable because they look weird and smell bad... I love them. I think kids are the purest form of God's personality, manifest on earth. I think there's a reason that Jesus commands us to "be like little children," and I am fully convinced that, if we all took on a goal of childlike faith, our churches, families, and communities would look a lot more beautiful.
Recently I've been in a conversation with one of my dearest friends, Christine Gore, about being content, and happy in all circumstances. We've begun this process of keeping a rubber band on a wrist, and every time we complain, we have to move it to the other wrist. At the end of the day, we count up how many times we've moved that band.

I am quickly becoming vastly aware of how discontent I tend to be!

Not only am I appalled at how often I complain and gripe about aspects of life, but I am also learning how much I complain about very small things. My morning coffee wasn't strong enough... my head decided to have a bad hair day... my car insists on running low on gas at the very moment that I am running late to make an appointment... and I have realized how often I let these things completely ruin my day. I gripe and complain and whine..... begging someone to pay attention to my plight, and take sympathy on my distress.

Goodness, I want to live with childlike joy.

One of the most enjoyable parts of my internship this semester is the opportunity that I've had to get to know the children at Hope Haven. Not only are these kids absolutely adorable, but they are fun-loving, smart, and eager for attention. I never leave feeling unappreciated or unloved.
I have been consistently amazed with these children. I'll be honest with you, these kids have very little. They wear clothes that are donated, live in a society that labels them as "homeless," and don't have the thousands of toys that I've gone through in my lifetime.
But they are so happy.
They are beautiful, and they are happy.
How is it that they can be content with so little, and I can't get through a day with a smile on my face? What does it mean when children at the age of five care less for material possessions than I do, at the age of 21?

My heart aches to learn the secret of their happiness.

Granted, I undersand the fact that children are much more carefree. They don't have bills to pay, or a job to worry about; their biggest homework assignments center around coloring inside the lines. However, what is it that these kids know that I am unaware of?
Could it be that, maybe, the "such as these" have a greater faith than I do?
It seems ridiculous. After all, I've lived longer. I've seen more of what God can do. I can name verse after verse of God's promise fulfilled... I can list people who have been saved from hopeless situations by an omnipotent savior.
Yet I can't seem to grasp what it means to trust. Simply, to trust.
The way that a child trusts there will be food on the table. Trust that, when they sleep, they'll be safe. Trust that mom and dad will pick them up from school. Trust that Santa will bring presents at Christmas time.

The secret to being content in all situations: Trust.

Lord, I believe. Only help my unbelief.

I want to trust in the God of promises made and promises kept. I want to believe that He's working for my good, even when things aren't the way that I want them to be. I want to be able to praise in the midst of storm.
Doug Larson once said, "The world is full of people looking for spectacular happiness while they snub contentment."
So I'm working. I'm searching. If He take take care of the lilies of the field, how much more so will He care for me?
The "such as these" have got it down. They know what it means to own the Kingdom of Heaven. Maybe we should spend a little more time coloring too.

I cried WEE WEE WEE all the way home...

2011-02-24T11:57:00.000-08:00

For my loyal blog readers, this will be a bit of a change of pace. However, I wanted to share with all of you what my life has been consumed by for the past few months! And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the great ACU tradition of Sing Song.
I LOVE Sing Song. Yes, I am aware of the fact that many of you probably do not share my feelings of adoration for this timeless showcase, however, hear me out.
I was born to be in Sing Song. Not only do I love music (obvious to those of you who know me), but I am also a teensy bit dramatic (obvious even to those of you who don't know me!).

So this is the perfect solution! SING SONG! For those of you who are unaware, Sing Song is a showcase that ACU puts on every year, in which all of the social clubs and classes participate, creating an Acapella act of music, choreographed, and thrown together with cute costumes and lyrics to beloved songs. For an example, here's my club, Sigma Theta Chi's, sing song act from last year. Study it. Know it. Love it.

So this year, the precious siggies decided to be PIGS! That's right, Siggie Piggies. To the right, you will see our costumes, modeled by the beautiful Christine Gore, and myself. And that, dear readers, is what we at ACU like to call a sing song face.

We put in months of blood, sweat, and tears (literally), practicing and getting ready to put on our great show! We learn the music, practice choreography, and do countless run through's, all to get ready for February!

Sing Song weekend is so much fun! So many alumni come into town, as well as parents, friends of ACU, and siblings, just to see us perform! It's such a fun time, and honestly, one of my favorite things about being in club, and at ACU for that matter.

Because, while for some people Sing Song is a silly tradition, boring and difficult to understand, for me, it signifies something much more.
Sing song is late nights, filled with car trips to Sonic and watching the TV shows you missed on DVR. It's about getting to know new girls standing around you, and teaching each other your parts. It's about the excitement of a show well performed, and the way it feels to be standing at the end, hands up high, so proud of all the hard work and effort that you've put in.

Sing Song is a lot more.

ANYWAYS...
These are just some pictures of our precious Siggie Piggie act. If you'd like to see the recording, you can go HERE

And here are some pictures from Mother/Daughter Breakfast. Gotta love friends.

So Thank you for listening to my rant. Chances are, many of you aren't too interested.. But I just love Sing Song. As the end of Undergrad approaches, I find myself becoming more and more nostalgic, which leads me to posts like this one. :)
I hope that you're all having a blessed day. I promise, I'll be back to my philosophical, "save the world" rants soon enough. :)
Have a blessed day!

For a while...

2011-02-22T12:48:00.000-08:00

I like to understand things.
I'm an individual who has always thirsted for knowledge... I've always liked learning.
School was never an issue for me. I've been blessed with an excitement for comprehension, and an inquisitive mind. I've never had to struggle to be good at learning.
But I don't understand God.
Sometimes I get so frustrated with Him. He doesn't fit into my plan. He doesn't conform to my societal norms, or fit into my box labeled "God" that sits on the top shelf of my closet. He refuses to behave the ways in which I'd like him to. When I say jump, He just flat out refuses to respond with an "How high?"
Granted, this sounds utterly trivial when I type it, and probably, as you're reading, you're thinking, "Goodness gracious Amanda, could you be more pompous? How could you expect a God so much bigger than yourself to go about his days according to your standards? Kid, get with the picture of where you stand in the grand scheme of things."
And I would agree with you.
I'm so self-absorbed. I'm completely blind to all else except my little corner of the universe, complete with Sing Song and parties, internships and looming graduations. And I know it's ridiculous. I know that my shallow understanding of who God should be pales in comparison to who He actually is.
But it's still my little corner. And it still aches when my desires go unfulfilled, and the cries of my heart go unanswered.
Do you ever find yourself asking that typical age-old question of: Why?

Why don't you listen when I've prayed for so long?
Why don't you show me where you want me to go?
Why do bad things happen to good, holy people?
Why does my heart have to hurt?

"God did not give Joseph any special information about how to get from being the son of a nomad in Palestine to being Pharoah’s right hand man in Egypt. What he did give Joseph was eleven jealous brothers, the attention of a loose and vengeful woman, the ability to do the service of interpreting dreams and managing people’s affairs, and the grace to do that faithfully wherever he was."- Rich Mullins

Could it be that, maybe, just maybe, God is solely giving us the grace to just get by?
Is it possible that our God desires for us to just keep breathing for a while?

There's a part of my heart that doesn't want to believe that. I don't want to believe in a God that would let me suffer. I don't want to trust in a God who allows heartache.
It's scary to believe that, sometimes, before His goodness, there's pain.

So we just keep breathing. We go about our lives. We are forced to trust in his impending goodness, because there's no other choice. Without the hope of His promise, fulfilled, we're left with nothing.
So I find myself frustrated. I fight with Him, angry at His continued resistance to my plans.
Maybe it's possible that His grace has to be enough. Maybe, when there's nothing left, it's all you've got to rely on. When the people who weren't supposed to let you down, do. When your "sure things" fail you. When there's nobody left to listen, and there's nowhere else to turn.
Maybe grace just has to be enough for a while.

Reckless and Raging

2011-02-15T09:34:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I'm astounded at myself.
Do you ever realize, after you're lying in bed, drifting into a world far from your own, that you have gone throughout your day, giving hardly a second glance toward anyone else?
I'm so insufficient.
Yet I walk around, completely clueless to how much good I could do if I just bothered to pay attention to someone else; if I stopped to ask someone how they were doing and really cared about the answer. If I took an extra five minutes to talk to that friend who most people avoid. If I sent a text, just to let someone know I'm thinking of them.
I want to be intentional, because I serve a God who is intentional. Intentional enough to forego a heavenly existence to live in the midst of pain and suffering. Intentional enough to consistently pursue me, even on my darkest of days.
Over the past six months, as you can probably tell by some of my previous posts, I've been captured by this one thought: What would it look like to fully live out a manifestation of God's love in my world? Granted, I'm just a girl. I make a huge amount of mistakes. I get caught up in the materialistic society in which I live, and I focus on my own desires and goals more than I focus on His.
But what would it look like if, when people walked away from talking to me, they felt as though they'd just encountered God's love?
I'm not just talking about a friendly, "How ya doin?" kind of conversation here. I'm talking about a transforming, redemptive, passionate kind of love. The kind that says "I'm crazy about you, and the whole world needs to know! I love everything about you... your flaws, your successes, your personality... I love it all. I'm willing to love you, whether it hurts me, damages my reputation, or leaves me drained at the end of the day. Just because you're worth it."
I don't know about you... but my soul just does backflips at the thought of someone knowing my greatest insufficiencies and loving me, not only in spite of them, but in part, because of them.
Could we be that transformative kind of love in people's lives? Could we, just maybe, change the way that people view, not only the church, but believers in general?

"Nothing you could do would make me love you less."

I think people in this world are aching to be loved genuinely. Unconditionally. Uncontrollably.
Could we be the life breath to a dying world?

Rich Mullins, a prophet in our time, I believe, once said:
"If you've ever known the love of God, you know it's nothing but reckless, and it's nothing but raging. Sometimes it hurts to be loved, and if it doesn't hurt then it's probably not love; may be infatuation. I think a lot of American people are infatuated with God, but we don't really love him, and we don't really let him love us. Being loved by God is one of the most painful things in the world, it's also the only thing that can bring us salvation, and it's like everything else that is really wonderful, there's a little bit of pain in it, a little bit of hurt."

I think this goes both ways. To love like God, it hurts. To look at people through His eyes, it's painful. It's not always joy and happy feelings. It's dirty, and messy, and uncomfortable. It's reckless and raging. That makes in unpredictable, in both good ways, and bad. But I know this: I'd rather live a reckless, passionate, Godly love, than settle for loving from afar, in my pew on Sunday. Because what is this whole Christianity thing, anyways, if not a crazy idea of living counterculturally?
Love recklessly today. You may surprise yourself.

Blessings on you and yours,
Amanda Christine

Long Live Love

2011-02-13T19:59:00.000-08:00

"I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn, and we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them, and we help them in return...."

Happy anniversary to my precious parents, Greg and Robin, who have been married for 24 years on February 14th, 2011. What a beautiful testimony to love and encouragement, throughout a marriage. Thank you for showing me what it means to give to one another, even when it means going without. Thank you for fighting sometimes, so that I know that marriage is worth the hard conversations. Thank you for being Christ-centered, and teaching me what it means to have Him in the center of your marriage, rather than each other. I love you both so much.

Have a blessed Valentines Day!

Woulda-Coulda-Shoulda

2011-02-09T14:07:00.000-08:00

I love Shel Silverstein. I think he is a genius. His poetry is not only witty and catchy, but also exciting to read. You never know what might happen next. One of my favorites by Mr. Silverstein is entitled : Woulda-Coulda-Shoulda. It goes a little something like this:

Woulda-Coulda-Shoulda
All the Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas
Layin' in the sun,
Talkin' 'bout the things
They woulda coulda shoulda done...
But those Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas
All ran away and hid
From one little Did.

I remember lying in bed at my grandparents' house, reading Shel's poems as I drifted off into sleep. Poems about Where the Sidewalk Ends and the Bear in There would float take me into a world where I didn't bother to distinguish dreaming from reality.
Sometimes I wish I floated into that world a little bit more.
I think it would make my world just a little bit better... trying to go back to the time where I had such big dreams and was too young to fully understand how completely unattainable they were. So I tried to make them come true.
Maybe that's the great tragedy of our world today. We're so busy proving why the dreams we have cannot come true, that we don't even bother to try to reach them in the first place.

There's a quote by Anne Frank that I love. She said:
"How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world."

Lately I've found myself becoming one of those Shoulda-Coulda-Wouldas. I tell myself that I'm too young... that nothing that I am capable of accomplishing would mean anything to anyone else. Granted, I can love to the best of my ability, one-on-one with people, but really, in the grand scheme of things, does that really matter?
Am I too busy telling myself that my dreams can't come true to even take the first step?
I want to be a passionate person. I want to live a life that's worthy of the calling that I've been given... the chance I've been given by a savior so much greater than myself. But sometimes I don't even know where to begin. I lie in the sun... I use rhetoric to blast my opinion and feelings, urging other people to flip their worlds upside down and right this wrong... but when it comes down to action, I remain motionless.

It's too uncomfortable. I'm too young. I'm too conservative. That's too dangerous. I need more security. I'm scared of what everyone else will think. Someone else would be way more qualified.

But in reality, none of these things are necessarily true, because as much as I cry, and whine, and argue with the screaming in my heart, it's still there. The constant. It tells me that this world is a dark place, full of pain and heartache. It tells me that we are so far from what God meant us to be...
What could I do to reconcile those around me?
I want to be the very best version of myself. For others to walk away and feel as if they've encountered God's love in manifest form.
But where do I even begin?

I can't sit around waiting to find out. And the great thing is, I don't have to. I can start loving. Today. I can start calling attention to injustice, giving a voice to those who have none, and believing in the goodness of people, today.
I want to change the world. But I suppose, to begin, I'll start by changing MY world.

I think that we, as Christians, are called to something greater than a "Woulda-Coulda-Shoulda" existence. I don't want to run. I don't want to hide. I'm here. At the end of the day, I want to be the "one little did."

Blessings on you and yours,
Amanda

A person's a person, no matter how small...

2011-01-25T12:50:00.000-08:00

Those of you who know me are probably aware of the fact that I love Dr. Suess. Not only do I find him to be a literary genius in terms of his writing style, but I also am consistently amazed at his ability to reach, not only children sitting in bed waiting for their bedtime stories, but also the parents who begrudgingly pacify said children with tale after tale of cats who can talk and green eggs and ham.
One of my favorites by the good doctor is a book entitled "Horton Hears a Who." For those of you who are unfamiliar with the plot of the book, I will summarize: Horton the elephant, while splashing in a pool in the jungle of Nool, hears a small speck of dust talking to him. Turns out, this speck of dust actually is the makings of a tiny planet, inhabited by microscopic little beings called "Whos." The mayor of "Whoville" asks Horton to protect their small, yet highly beloved planet, to which Horton happily agrees. However, Horton undergoes intense scrutiny and bullying from other jungle animals throughout the extent of the book for his defense of this, for all intensive purposes, speck of dust. Horton's proclamation throughout this epic tale remains the same:

"Even though you can't see or hear them at all, a person's a person, no matter how small."

Wow. Talk about a genius.
This phrase, while somewhat cliche and rhythmic, is such a beautiful mantra to live by. While I will be the first to admit that the editor of this blog often fails to live by such simplistic and beautiful terms, what would our world be like if individuals went throughout their lives living by this thought?
Yesterday I went to the Mayor's "State of the City Address." While highly informative, this delivery left me with a bad taste in my mouth. Be forewarned, as a Social Work major, my ideas of social justice and equality for all might leave a few feeling as though I am somewhat idealistic, however, the beauty of simplicity, I believe, far outweighs the harshness of what we create in our world.
According to statistics given by the Superintendent of AISD, 64% of students in the AISD school district are considered "impoverished" or "underprivileged." Naturally, those in attendance were concerned about the impact that these children are having on the school district. Dr. Burns went on to explain that his school district's low performance scores are attributed to that 64% of students, claiming that this is, "...not an Hispanic issue."
Understandable. I understand the way that school systems work. However, this is what I do not understand. Superintendent Burns also reported that 650 children in AISD are registered as homeless. 650.
I understand that the Superintendent is concerned about his test scores. I get the importance of having a strong (on paper) school district. This attracts businesses, promotes the thriving metropolis of Abilene... etc. However, this is my question: What happens to those 650 kids? If you want a third grader to be interested in doing his math homework, maybe a solution would be... oh, I don't know... finding them a place to sleep at night? It seems to me that, if you want a child to learn, you should try dealing with their adult-sized problems, first and foremost. What is the superintendent planning on tangibly doing for these children, helpless of their circumstance, in order to raise his test scores? In my personal opinion, take care of the immediate problem. Listen to the hearts of these kids. However, with the impending possible 10% budget cut statewide, the district risks losing up to $6.9 million dollars from a $117 million school budget. My fear grows as I think about these kids, not only unsupported in many settings at home, but also abandoned by the very establishment that seeks to educate them. My prayer is that the school district, not only in Abilene but in other cities statewide, can find a way to reach these kids.
This has to start on a local level. It starts at organizations like Hope Haven, the nonprofit transitional housing program that I'm working with this semester. It starts at Salvation Armies, food pantries, and soup kitchens. These individuals who are invisible to the eyes of those of us who were born into more fortunate families need help now. Their families are starving and suffering now. So while the Mayor's discourse regarding a multimillion dollar project at Lake Fort Phantom to improve facilities is important, I am personally more concerned with the lives of these individuals who would benefit in immeasurable ways from that same amount of money.
This internship is already beginning to open my eyes to the need in our society, and how ostentatiously we spend money on projects that could be forgone in lieu of efforts to promote social justice and equality.
Granted, I know that I am young. I don't have children, or a spouse, and I am not earning a sufficient income to pay any significant amount of taxes. However, I have to venture to say that I would feel much more socially responsible with my tax dollars being spent helping those born into situations that put them, from birth, far from par with those in my world of smartphones and college educations.
Just some ramblings.
Anyways... to tie this in.
I want to see the invisible. I want to hear the cries of the "specks of dust" in this world, if you will. What kinds of world change would we begin if we all just changed our lives a little bit, to be a little more like Horton? This makes me passionate. Not to just challenge people in power with different thoughts and ideas, but to change the lives of individuals who don't have anywhere else to go. I will be the first to say that I often don't make the sacrifices or live within my means well enough to protect my tiny "Whoville" (pardon the references). But I want to. I suppose it's all about figuring out how to do so.
So to all my future "Whos" out there... keep shouting. I'm going to try my hardest to start listening.
Blessings on you and yours....
Amanda Christine

Almost Heaven....

2011-01-21T11:53:00.000-08:00

Whew.
What a week it's been.

Sometimes I feel as though, when you have a Monday off, the rest of the week is so much more difficult. Factor that into this being the first week back at school, and you've got yourself a death wish.
So, needless to say... I am TIRED.
I know, I know. I'm such a complainer. :)
Now I'm here in the Social Work office... at work as usual. Eating my sharkys (which is a reward for my hard work this week!) and gearing up for a fun filled weekend of sleeping. I'm so looking forward to it.

In other news, week one of sing song practice has come and gone. I must say, I am proud to be a part of a group of women who work so hard.
For all of you out there in blog land, get excited. Siggie piggies are going to melt your faces off.

I'm LOVING my work with Hope Haven so far. Not only am I getting to work with really passionate individuals who work hard at their jobs, but I'm also learning a lot about fundraising, community resources, and even website designing. Haha... not necessarily what I thought this might consist of. I'm so thankful that I seem to have a really great placement this semester. Makes getting up and going a lot easier. ;)

Anyways... just wanted to keep your precious selves posted. I'm sure, at some point in the near future, I'll have more to write about. But, in the meantime, be blessed and have a wonderful, safe weekend!

-Manda

Everybody Everybody Wants to Love....

2011-01-19T12:44:00.000-08:00

I really should work harder at keeping this thing updated. I'm pathetic.

Hello all!
I hope that you all had a spectacular Christmas break, and that your precious little hearts are just bursting with excitement at the thought that this is my LAST SEMESTER OF UNDERGRAD!
I know. Shed a few tears... it's okay. I won't think less of you.
So yeah. This week I started what will be known as "the end of college." Granted, grad school still looms before me like the Sahara desert when you have no more water in your canteen, but I'm excited to finish this step and move on to the next.
Christmas break was wonderful. I spent some much needed time with my family and got to enjoy them. Generally, it was just a really good time, and I was so thankful to have some time off school to recharge.
This semester I will be doing a 300 hour internship at Hope Haven, an organization here in Abilene that works with the homeless, helping them develop skills to better themselves and their families, and generally just get back on their feet.
Learn more... HERE
So that's exciting. I'm really looking forward to learning from individuals who are doing their part in changing our community for the better.

In addition, as I know, you have all been waiting with baited breath for the return of...

SING SONG SEASON!

That's right ladies and gentlemen, it is here again! The spectacular time of year in which ACU students act like complete idiots to win the prize. And yes, next to Christmas, it is my favorite
holiday.
Don't judge that I count sing song as a holiday

Anyways....
This year, considering this is my last year to belt my heart out and use my spiritual gift of the "sing song face," I am in both Siggie and Senior sing song acts. Yes, this will be a bit of a challenge time-wise, but I'm really excited about getting to enjoy another year of silliness.

So, come on out the weekend of February 18 and 19... I'll be the one in the pig costume (SIGGIE PIGGIES!)... feel free to cheer loudest for me.

Anyways.... life continues on... I hope that you're all having great beginnings to the semester. I'll try to be better about updating this crazy thing. Love you.. be blessed today!

2010-11-29T10:30:00.000-08:00

Oh life! Heavens, you've been busy these days!

Just got back from thanksgiving break, and man, I sure enjoyed spending time with the family. I successfully made my first green bean casserole (props to Robs for helping me know what to do) and pecan pie (whose pecans we cracked by hand)... so you should all be proud of my increasing domestic skills.
We also enjoyed a day with my grandparents, which was wonderful. They are cutie patooties.. here's a picky so you can know them....

Granted, these are from high school graduation, but you get the idea. My mamaw is above, and my papaw is below. What cutie pies. I just love them and have been blessed to know my grandparents in my lifetime.

Anyways.... all that to say, it was a great break. Now, back to school for a week of classes, then a week of finals, and then I'm home again for a whole MONTH for Christmas. If you can't tell in my typing, I'm superdedooper excited about it! Jelly is staying at her grandparent's house for these two weeks, just so mom can focus on finals and projects. She's getting so big! Here's a pic... just because I miss my girl...
I know. We are adorable. You don't have to tell me twice. :)
In other news...
Last night, the roommates and I decorated for Christmas. Don't worry... pictures will surely be coming soon... you should all be so proud though. It gives me hope for my future home. :) haha

Anyways.... I hope that you are all enjoying the beginning of the holiday season. Here's a little pic of me and the sisters, just to put you in the Christmas spirit!

Have a blessed day!
-Amanda

One more time with Feeling...

2010-11-03T11:19:00.000-07:00

Your stitches are all out But your scars are healing wrong
And the helium balloon inside your room has come undone
And it's pushing up at the ceiling
And the flickering lights, it cannot get beyond

Everyone takes turns, now it's yours to play the part
And they're sitting all around you holding copies of your chart
And the misery inside their eyes is synchronized and reflecting it to yours

Hold on, one more time with feeling
Try it again, breathing's just a rhythm
Say it in your mind until you know that the words are right
This is why we fight

You thought by now you'd be so much better than you are
You thought by now they'd see that you had come so far
And the pride inside their eyes would
Synchronize into a love you'll never know
So much more than you can show

Hold on, one more time with feeling
Try it again, breathing's just a rhythm
Say it in your mind until you know that the words are right
This is why we fight, this is why we fight

Oh Regina Spektor, speaking to my soul.

2010-11-01T12:31:00.000-07:00

How quickly I forget I'm yours.
How quickly I run toward anything else that shows me any signs of affection and attention. I turn my back, sprinting toward the physical, the tangible.
You prove to me, time and time again, that your plans are better than mine.
You show me just how fervently and fiercely you love, and yet I continue to search for something better.

Will I ever learn my lesson?

Lover of ashes, can you love this?
Can you prove to me that my faith in you is not in vain?

Towards glorious light I am running, out of darkness, out of shame.

Stone

2010-10-26T07:49:00.000-07:00

Turn To Stone

Written by Ingrid Michaelson

let's take a better look
beyond a story book
and learn our souls are all we own
before we turn to stone

let's go to sleep with clearer heads
and hearts too big to fit out beds
and maybe we won't feel so alone
before we turn to stone

and if you wait for someone else's hand
you will surely fall down
if you wait for someone else's hand
you'll fall, you'll fall

i know that i am nothing new
my words might not seem much to you
but brother how we must atone
before we turn to stone

I have this bad habit of turning off my heart sometimes.

Sometimes it feels easier... sometimes I feel as though loving the way that I want to, the way that I should... it's too much. Spreading myself too thin.

Is it?

Is it too much to love with your entire heart?

Life as of late...

2010-10-11T12:04:00.000-07:00

So I realized that I haven't been too great at keeping my devoted readers (lol) up to date on life lately.... so I thought I'd let you all know how things have been! Prepare yourself for some pickies!
Hope your day is blessed!

GRUB!

Grub was superfun. The theme was "Sigma Theta High," and my date and I went as the Prom King and Queen. You can see him in the background of the picture to the far left, of Rachel and I. As evidenced, she was really into the character. :) To the right of that one is a pic of me and my precious little sister Sydney. She's been such a blessing through the pledging process, and I could not have asked for a more adorable little sister to go through this experience with. She has the most positive attitude, and I just cannot say enough good things about her.

The EOX roomates at Grub... Kelsey, Missy, Caroline, me, and Jax. Kelsi is in Alpha Kai, and wasn't quite at Grub. :)
It was a great night... the squigs did a pretty good job in their skits... great way to spend my last grub in college!

HOMECOMING!
So my precious roommate, Caroline, was nominated for Homecoming queen this year! As one of ten girls on the court, I must say, she stands out from everyone else. Not only is she involved in siggies, but she was also a student director of welcome week, works with the Alumni association, and COBA, and is very involved with our international students here on campus.
If you haven't met Caroline, I truly cannot describe her. From her beautiful heart to her love for others, she really is one of the most genuine and authentic individuals I have ever known. It
has been such a blessing to be her roommate thus
far this year, and I am so excited to continue spending time with her. These pics are of her, riding in the homecoming parade (in the yellow car, of course), and the two of us at Queen's Tea. She truly is a wonderful person, and I'm so blessed to know her.

This is me and precious squig Christine Gore, at Queen's Tea. She is an adorable little pledge, and I have been so excited to get to know her better over the past few weeks. I'm looking so forward to having her as a sister in club... from her sweet smile to her giving heart, I think so highly of her. If you see her around campus in her precious yellow skirt, give her a smile. She deserves it. :)

Siggies at Queen's Tea! We had four nominees this year on the court, which is fantastic. So proud to be a part of such an uplifting and beautiful group of women. Homecoming was so much fun with them- getting to see alumni whom I hadn't seen in a while, and experiencing the joy of being a senior, and the excitement of watching the younger girls experience this side of homecoming for the first time. What lambs of God.

and finally....

MY PRECIOUS WHITNEY IS ENGAGED!
Last night we had her PTK, and I am just so excited for her. If you don't know Whitney, she is just the most beautiful and loving person on the face of the planet. I love her so much... she's my newfound workout buddy, and it is such a blessing to be around her on a regular basis. She's uplifting, encouraging, and just plain sweet. So put your hands together for the future Mr. and Mrs.!

And I run down the aisle to you....

2010-10-07T08:16:00.000-07:00

WEDDING DRESS- DEREK WEBB
If you could love me as a wife
and for my wedding gift, your life
Should that be all I?d ever need
or is there more I?m looking for

and should I read between the lines
and look for blessings in disguise
To make me handsome, rich, and wise
Is that really what you want

I am a whore I do confess
But I put you on just like a wedding dress
and I run down the aisle
and I run down the aisle
I?m a prodigal with no way home
but I put you on just like a ring of gold
and I run down the aisle to you

So could you love this bastard child
Though I don?t trust you to provide
With one hand in a pot of gold
and with the other in your side

I am so easily satisfied
by the call of lovers so less wild
That I would take a little cash
Over your very flesh and blood

Because money cannot buy
a husband?s jealous eye
When you have knowingly deceived his wife

I love weddings. It's true. Guilty as charged. I love brides, and I love cakes. I love watching two people pledge their lives to one another. I love the way that a groom's face looks as he sees his bride for the first time, and I love how she glows as she enters the room. I love the dresses (Let's be real, I'm a huge "Say Yes to the Dress" fanatic...) and I love the way that everyone feels when they leave a wedding.

This song breaks my heart.

The hope, joy, and love all wrapped up in a wedding.... and the overwhelming grief and disappointment at something gone wrong.
Im so lukewarm in my faith! Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself; I wish that believing in who God is, and what He wants from me in my life, was easier. I wish that I wasn't so willing to run the minute that things get messy in relationship with Him.

I'm adulterous in my relationship with Him. So many things become more important to me in life. I can't seem to focus on who He is... the fact that He desires relationship with me, and takes me back time and time again. In terms of our society, we'd call Him an idiot. I'd look at His situation, tied in relationship with this individual who runs and runs, time and time again... and I'd laugh. I'd probably look at Him with pity, wishing He would just find someone else... give her what she deserves.

Praise Him for being a God who comes and finds me, even when I don't necessarily want Him to.

The past year has been my journey of running. I've gotten good at it. I run and run, with my back to His arms... I haven't been able to breathe, I've been running so hard.
But I'm not made to run away. My body's grown tired with strain, and I can't do it anymore.

And I'm finally done running. I'm done resisting a love that is so much bigger than I want, or deserve.

Send me away with the words of a love song...

2010-10-04T10:07:00.000-07:00

Don't worry, I've returned.
I know that the millions of people who read this blog were very concerned. ;)

Fall is upon us!
I am beyond ecstatic at the changes in the weather; fall is, by far, my favorite season. While summer is great for laying out by the pool, and winter is fun when it snows... and even spring brings new life and beauty, fall is just perfect. If I were a season, I think I'd want to be fall.
Think about it... fall is full of excitement! The newness of a new school year... the cool breeze that it brings. Colors that light up every street, and smells like pumpkin spice and cinnamon. I love fall.
I love new school supplies. I love the smell of sharpened pencils, and the feeling of wearing a brand new backpack. I love opening notebooks for the first time, and, as dorky as it sounds, I love reading the syllabus for each of my classes.
I just love fall.
Okay, enough of that. ;)
This week has brought on many changes...
My roommate, Caroline, was nominated for Homecoming queen! If you read this and go to ACU, vote for her. She is beautiful and smart and kind, and I am consistently amazed by the example that she sets for me on a daily basis. She deserves something like this.
You are also now reading the words to a new mommy! My puppy has come to live in Abilene! That's right, Jelly Elizabeth McAdams has come spiraling into our lives. Granted, she is a lot cuter in the daytime than she is at three in the morning when she wakes me up, wanting to play. Let's just say that Jelly Belly and I will soon have to come to terms with correct sleeping times. :) But she is beautiful.
This is our first family picture!
Jelly is seven weeks old, and she's a black lab. She loves to play with tennis balls, and pee all over my carpet.

So yes. If you'd like to meet her, I can arrange an appointment. :)

It is also midterm time... and Lord knows that I should probably be working on my take home midterm that's due in about two and a half hours... but I thought I'd take time out to de-stress and blog. ;)

This weekend, as aforementioned, is homecoming. I lalalalalove homecoming at ACU. Not only is there an energy on campus, and excitement, but I also get to see some of my favorite people when they come back as Alumni. So in case you were wondering, I will most likely be busy most of the weekend. :)
Anyways.. sorry this post wasn't incredibly deep or reflective... ;)
You're loved.

'Cause all I see are stillettos, guess I never got the memo...

2010-09-22T10:50:00.000-07:00

This is a bit random and off topic, but it's on my heart... so there you go.
So Summit is on ACU'S campus this week, and I must admit, I've thoroughly enjoyed the presence of these visitors on campus. While the lines are a tad longer, and it takes a good ten minutes more to get out of chapel, the presence and energy of the crowds that attend Summit is always welcome in my book.
So today I attended a class on the early sexualization of children in America... wow.

I suppose that this is one of those topics that I, while aware of it's existence, have never really taken time to think about. Maybe it's because I'm not yet a parent, or maybe it's because I'm a girl, but either way, when one really takes the time to think about what we, as a culture, are exposing our children to, the results are staggering.
I work at camp, which I love. I see Middle School and High school girls, living life with the same issues that I lived with. It's a frustrating existence, let me tell you, especially in middle school. Hair doesn't lay flat the way you'd like it to, braces prove to be an extreme inconvenience, and the clothes that all the other girls are buying just don't fit you the same way. Living in this world that is so immersed in the way that people look is more frustrating than I give it credit for.
Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge proponent for, and consumer of, beauty products. I love curling irons, and hairspray, and lip gloss that tastes like peppermint. But wow. When I think of girls, girls whose names and faces I know, hurting and aching to achieve this standard that is impossible to reach (because, in fact, it does not exist), my heart just breaks.

When did beauty and style begin to define a person, instead of serving as a mode of self expression? When did we begin handing tubes of mascara to four year olds, telling them that using it would make their eyes really pop?

I feel righteous indignation when I think about our society sometimes. We are so screwed up in our misconceptions. As a people called to have a childlike faith, who are we to take childhood away from our children? Who would I be, as a woman, to ask a little girl to be anything more, or less, than she is?
So who is teaching these girls to be women? Who is teaching these little boys to be men?

Granted, I know that, as a 21 year old, my life experience is limited. However, I must confess that I see very few parents modeling Christianity, integrated with their sexuality and physical appearance. It makes me wonder what I'll be like as a parent... I know it must be so easy to go into the whole process with grand ideas of how you'd like this child to end up, and what kind of parent you want to be, when, in reality, life is much more complicated.

However, I see a growing need, and a crying out, for someone to give these children a sense of identity. They need a place to belong, and to feel as though they are not wrong for failing to look or act a specific way. The media, their main source of information and guidance, does not offer this for them. So it's up to us... the people surrounding them. What kind of messages might I send to a child at camp if I take hours to get ready in the morning? Or if the only music I listen to consists of messages detailing the need for material items that, in reality, have no kingdom benefit?
Again, there's nothing wrong with these things. Lord knows I am a Lady Gaga fan until the day that I die. But maybe, possibly... there might be something more important to be learned from the example that I set as a woman.

100th Post

2010-09-13T11:56:00.000-07:00

Wow! My 100th post. What a coincidence... because I've come to, what I believe to be, a life altering decision.

I want to change the world.

And believe me, I am fully aware of how "20 somethingish" that sounds. I'm also aware that this little ACU bubble of mine encourages the thought of one's ability to change the world... make a difference... leave it better than you found it...

I've never been one to dream ridiculous, impossible dreams. I've always been practical: a planner. I like knowing where I'm going and what I'm going to do.
But this is something that I honestly can't plan.
I have no idea how in the world I'm going to accomplish this. Literally. No idea.

I just know that, now that I've been captured by it, I don't see myself letting go.

Nervous. But pretty excited.
Feel free to leave thoughts.

There's nothing wrong with love

2010-09-08T11:23:00.000-07:00

"There are people who go after your humanity, Sister James, who tell you the light in your heart is a weakness. That your soft feelings betray you. I don't believe that. It's an old tactic of cruel people to kill kindness in the name of virtue. Don't believe it. There's nothing wrong with love."
- John Patrick Shanley, Doubt

Regardless of the ways I feel about the theme and content of the movie Doubt, this quote is one of the most beautiful mesh of words I have ever had running through my head.
I love loving.
I love the feeling of putting someone before yourself; that of their happiness being more important than your own.
I love the way that it feels to look at someone the way that Jesus created them to be. Granted, I don't do this near as often as I'd like... but do you ever get that split second view of a person, in all the beauty and majesty of who God created them to be? It's one of the most fantastic experiences.
I love the fact that my faith and my beliefs not only allow, but encourage, me to incorporate love into a lifestyle instead of just a fleeting feeling.

I wish that I was better at loving the way that I'm meant to. Sometimes I'm so consumed with who I can get to love me.
I'll be the first to admit that I thrive on attention. I feed off feelings of value and affirmation from others, and I rarely am content to be a face in the crowd.
This sickness renders me incapable of fully and unashamedly loving with everything inside of me. Because in my frantic quest to gain love from all these different sources, I often forget to give it without restraint.

What would it look like to love without restraint?

It terrifies me to think about. Not only am I so invested in earning love from others, but I'm also terrified of being vulnerable with other people.
What if they leave?
What if they tell?
What if, once they know my heart, they won't love me anymore?
What if...

But if I'm right in my understanding of vulnerability being something holy and pleasing to God in our relationships, then who am I to allow my fear to stand in the way of giving all of myself?

So in order to truly love, and, in addition, to be loved in return, I must at times force myself to trust. I must choose to love.

What an overwhelming daily decision. Because making the choice to love involves so much more than feelings at a given time of the day, or what a person has done for me in the past hour. It's a struggle. It's an effort. It's a beautiful, painful process that causes many to drown from its' overwhelming effects.

Sometimes I can fool myself into believing that I can be cold. That my heart can go numb, and the light in my soul can be overcome by the knowledge of the desparity in this world, and the inevitable fact that the people whom I love will let me down. I fool myself into thinking that the absence of feeling is strength... I'm too smart to love. Too put together. Too wisened by the ways of the world.

But in reality, I'm just a girl, with light in my heart. I want to love without restraint. I want to choose every day to treat others in a way that proves to them who God is, and who He created them to be. I want to believe in that light in others as well.

And they'll know we are Christians by our love.

Doubting

2010-09-06T11:37:00.000-07:00

Doubting Thomas Lyrics

(TJ McCloud)

All my life I've been reaching toward something
Believing these hands could get me through
As my heart collects dust upon the shelves of my life
My hands are busy working up to you
And it seems that this goes on forever
One more rung on a ladder ten miles high
And as I sweat working one hand or the other every day
I look up, see the distance, start to cry

"So I'm doubting Thomas and what can I do
When my sand castles don't get me closer to you
(And the waves) wash away what I thought was the truth
In my hands, I have to open up my heart."

My arms worn out from punching the air
As if I'm fighting with opponents never there
Yet I know deep inside that this fight is with my soul
Stop spitting in the wind and let the father take control

"chorus"

My hands are tied I'm drowning
My hands are tied what can I do
My hands are tied I'm drowning without you

"chorus"

Oh my heart connects with this song in ways that I can't quite explain.

The waves wash away what I thought was the truth; when my sand castles dont get me closer to you...

I'm a master at building sand castles. Beautiful ones that look fantastic to the eye. Towers and torrents, moats and gates.... my castles can astound people.
Yet in the end, here I sit. My sandcastles are broken down, and the things that I've pacified myself to believe are washed away...

I don't have much to say. This has just blown me away today.

Beach bum

2010-08-31T12:30:00.001-07:00

I've been captivated by this phrase over the last couple of days... the idea of "Kingdom Eyes", and what that entails. In all honesty, I can't claim to add this to my list of spiritual gifts. I wish fervently that I was better at seeing others, and the world in general, through the eyes of my creator. I wish that I was better at loving people just because of who they've been created to be... no more and no less. I wish I could distinguish the lies from the truth, and learn how to be a truth teller in the lives of those around me. I wish I was better at seeing the awful longing that people in this world have to be loved.
All around me, I feel as though people are treading water. Fighting to stay afloat, yet, at the same time, happy to believe that this is all life has to offer them. It reminds me of the comparison CS Lewis makes in one of his sermons.... mudpies vs. the beach. The general concept, and forgive me for butchering it, is that often, as humans, we are content to settle for playing in the mud, because it is safe. It is what we know. It doesn't take anything to get there. But we COULD have the beach. Sand. Wind. Ocean.
I feel like the people walking around me, even now just sitting in the library, are begging for the beach. They just dont know it. They're so happy to play in this mud.
But I'm the same really. I've been thinking over the past couple of days of all the ways I compromise in my life. I'm not any better.
Kingdom eyes. I want to see the mud for what it is. I want to fight for better in my life, and in the lives of those around me.
It's not something that's easy. Sometimes I think that I've got it down, and then I realize just how off base I am. I believe half truths and I struggle with trusting in the one who created me to be a beach bum in the first place.
I can't wait to get to the point where I get this whole Christianity thing right. Maybe I won't ever get there. Honestly, I probably won't. But apathy just pervades me heart so much of the time; I refuse to believe that this is all there is.
Just breathing.

Hot Coffee

2010-08-26T08:37:00.000-07:00

I love the library.
I love sitting at a computer and doing my homework. I love watching ACU Admissions people come in, giving dumb little tours that are supposed to convince kids to come to our school. I love seeing my friends walk in, and just waiting for them to look up and wave. I love sitting with groups studying in here. I love the memories that I have in this library.
But most of all.... I love the coffee.
I wasn't a coffee drinker until I came to college. After the first week or so of very early morning classes and very late nights with my roommate freshman year, I realized that something was going to need to change. Probably to my detriment, I chose coffee.
It was like meeting a friend that you were supposed to know your whole life.
Coffee and I began a love affair that first week of freshman year that has been going strong ever since.
So here I sit, waiting for chapel to begin, and enjoying my nonfat mocha with no whip.
Heaven.
And then I think about my faith.
I think about how hot it is sometimes... broiling even... with excitement and spirituality and trust. It can burn people sometimes because it's so fresh.
And then it gets cold. It stops steaming and the cup doesnt feel good to hold anymore. I find myself praying that someone will come by and refill my mug, making it hot again, so that I can enjoy it once more.
It's embarrassing to come to the realization that my faith is so dependent on circumstance.
I want to steam all the time... I want sit in starbucks and stay warm... I want to create a faith that defies temperatures.
I don't really know how to accomplish that. I don't know where I can find that kind of faith. But I know that I want to try it.

I really am pretty awful at this...

2010-08-18T16:36:00.000-07:00

I really want to get better at this blogging business. I'm determined that this is the semester that I can make it work, since I'm taking fewer hours than ever before. Let's cross our fingers ladies and gentlemen...

As I've mentioned so many times, I'm a music person. My heart connects with melody; the moments I feel best in this world are when I'm listening to music, or singing along. One of my favorite songs these days is one by JJ Heller, who I've always loved.

Your Hand
I have unanswered prayers, I have trouble I wish wasn't there,
And I have asked a thousand ways, that you would take my pain away,
I am trying to understand how to walk this weary land, make straight the path that crookedly lie Oh Lord, before these feet of mine.

When my world is shaking, heaven stands. When my heart is breaking, I never leave your hands.

When you walked upon the earth, you healed the broken, lost, and hurt. I know you hate to see me cry, one day you will set all things right.

When my world is shaking, heaven stands. When my heart is breaking, I never leave your hand.

Even seeing these words just makes me heart rest. At a time when so many things feel uncertain and wrong, it's hard to acknowledge the fact that He's here when I can't feel Him.

Lots of people talk about their love languages. The way they communicate love to those around them. Mine, as might be expected, is physical touch. I'm a hugger. When I want to feel connected with someone, I touch them. Sometimes I wish that I could just reach out and touch God. I feel as though my faith would be so much stronger; that I'd be so able to "do life" in a way that glorifies Him. Then again, I suppose that isn't what faith entails.

Sometimes I'm envious of people who make their walks with God look so easy. I want to believe the way that they do. I want to close my eyes and raise my hands, jumping in unadulterated praise, even in the midst of the storm.
But I can't figure it out. I wish I knew how to better praise when the rain comes, to trust in Him when my world is shaking. I suppose it's part of growing up: Learning to praise him in the sunshine, but even more so in the rain. I want to grow.

Welcome to camp. You're supposed to be here.

2010-06-30T14:49:00.000-07:00

All I can do is keep breathing...

Camp is here. We are in the midst of this beautiful adventure; love, joy, and peace are meant to be pervading every ounce of this experience. And they are; but my world is dark. My heart is tired. This community of hope in which I'm living is keeping me alive at this point, and I'm hanging on for the ride.
I wish I could explain this in more tangible ways. I wish my words sufficed to describe this experience. But I don't have the words, nor the patience, to attempt to paint this picture for you.
All I can say, is that I need your prayers. God is at work; I have to believe that until I feel it. He's bigger and better than my plans, bigger and better than my dreams. I have to believe that He's working, despite my shortcomings.
Hope.
Such simplicity in the idea. Such complexity in the integration of that idea into my life. I'm tired of hoping. Tired of waiting. I'm ready for the deliverance.
I don't know when it will come. Or, for that matter, if it will come. All I know is that it is such a burden to live in waiting... in anticipation of what He's going to do. I want to believe. I want to have faith in something I can't see, touch, or hear.
How do you believe in a God who seems so silent?
How do you hope in a King who's yet to conquer the other forces fighting for your heart?
I suppose I'm waiting for the whisper.

2010-03-22T18:57:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I have no faith.

In my head, it's so easy to trust God's plan for my life. After all, whose plan could be better than this God who died for me.... saved me... created this world for me...

And yet, I find myself so worried. Worried that He won't come through... that I'm going to be left here.

It's the first day back from spring break and I already find myself drowning.

Drowning in stress... in nostalgia... in worries about everything imaginable. Drowning emotionally. Spiritually.

Gasping for air... shouldn't I feel the opposite? Shouldn't I feel rejuvinated?

But I don't. Instead, I feel this overwhelming sense of sadness.

Part of it has to do with the time of year. The thought of my senior friends leaving, and new journeys beginning. The thought of almost being done with college... how did it happen so fast? The thought of how much is left to do in the next six weeks... and how much my heart just longs to be with my mom and dad for longer.

The thought of not knowing how I'm going to get through this week, even. How unsure everything is, and unstable.

Fear of loneliness.

Fear of rejection.

Fear of the unknown.

How do I trust? How do I step out on the water? I so want unwavering faith... I don't want to fight this battle in my heart constantly.

How do I get there?

The psalms say to wait for the Lord. Be strong, take heart, and wait for the Lord.

But I get so tired of waiting.

The good doesn't seem to come as often anymore. Or maybe I've just stopped looking for it. Either way, it seems to be getting harder to have faith, rather than easier. Isn't the opposite supposed to be true?

My heart longs to believe in His goodness. In His faithfulness. I want to get to the point where I can believe that "everything will turn out fine."

But will it turn out fine?

Happenings of the day:

I chose to eat a salad for dinner instead of pasta, like I wanted.

and I realized that procrastinating leads to unhappiness later.

:) Be blessed

I promised...

2010-03-07T13:10:00.000-08:00

So here is my update from sing song... sorry if you don't like picky posts... but that's what this one will be. :)

First, up, above, right after we'd won. What an amazing feeling.

Me, micks, and care. Precious cuppycakes

Me, holls, and Painter. What lambs.

Ash, me, and care. Gotta love that lipstick.

Me and MerMo. What a cutie. What a sing song face

Me and KrisAnnie. What a crazy face. Kind of embarassed. I wont lie.

Me and miss VP Kara. Beautiful.

Me and the costume master, miss Julie. Waiting to go on.

During the actual act. I'm in the top left with that crazy face. Why yes, I do love sing song.

Precious friends with our sweet gifts from the sponsors. Katie, Emily, me, Cam, and Rachel

Gettin Rowdy

Yes.

Prep for getting rowdy. We are READY.

Welcome to ACU. I look like i have rabies.

And all the cupcakes together. Victory.

Overall, it was an absolutely amazing weekend. One I will not soon forget. It felt amazing to win, I won't lie, but the best parts were other things. Pictures. Seeing people I havent seen in forever. Spending time with girls whom I love with my whole heart. Singing. Performing. Picking up feathers off the ground so we didn't get penalized. Late night whataburger runs. Getting rowdy. Special meetings before performances. My family seeing the show. etc.
I hope that you're having such a blessed week.
One more, for us, until spring break. Oh boy am I ready.
Be blessed today.

Of all the things I should be doing...

2010-03-04T14:31:00.001-08:00

Blogging is not one of them. I am in the midst of trying to finish two papers due tomorrow... yet I can't seem to concentrate. My brain's full of all the things I need to, and should be, doing. I don't want to think about that. I want to smile.
I'll blog about sing song like I promised... eventually... I just don't feel like it today.

I'm looking to the summer. Now that I know the capacity that I'm going to be working in at camp, I cannot wait to get started. Our first training went so well... there was an energy and excitement in the room that only comes from a bunch of people who love kids, love camp, and love the thought of combining the two. :)
I think that God has some amazing things in store. When I sit and think about how far He's brought me... the journey that I've been going through over the past year... my heart is just filled with this excitement. I cant wait to see what else He's going to bring to my life. I can't wait to meet the people He has in store for me. I can't wait to be filled by Him. It terrifies me... so much... but I'm so excited.

Little Debbie Can't Compete...

2010-02-21T12:37:00.000-08:00

YES. WE SWEPT SING SONG.
I'll actually blog about it later... but for now... enjoy Friday's video.

Happy Anniversary

2010-02-14T11:32:00.000-08:00

So I've already posted today, but I had to send out a quick "Happy Anniversary" to my mama and daddy. Today marks 23 years of being husband and wife, and I, for one, find that pretty amazing.
Happy valentines day.

Nieve.... Amor... Amigas.

2010-02-14T11:21:00.000-08:00

Thursday, ACU had the pleasure of receiving about six inches of snow.
As an East Texas baby, I can honestly say that I've never seen that much snow before in my life. What an adventure.
So, of course, my friends and I trudged our way in the cold to the old intramural fields to play. Credit for these beautiful pictures goes to Krisann Christian, who, I promise ladies and gentlemen, will one day certainly be famous.
Anyways...
Granted, all evidence of snow ever having been here was gone by Saturday, and our snow day will, no doubt, make teachers less inclined to let us slide this next week during Sing Song... but it was well worth it. I just wanted to share a chronology of our exciting day. Be blessed. :)

Should've used the stairs...

2010-02-09T09:43:00.000-08:00

Here's a story for your day:
Last night we had sing song practice in COBA. Not our usual spot... but no big deal. Let's be honest... we are lazy. So I, and 14 friends of mine, climb into the elevator to go up to the third floor. Nothing weird about that. Except when the elevator went crazy, went back down to the first floor, and would not open its doors. At first that's funny, right? Oh haha, the elevators being weird... we're gonna be late to sing song practice.... ok now open the doors.
For real... open the door.
Press the button!
WHERES A CELL PHONE?

So yes, ladies and gents, we were stuck in the elevator. In COBA. For 30 minutes.
Needless to say, it was pretty funny. We took some pickies, as evidenced by our faces. Notice I didn't get the "let's be cute memo." But really, my face epitomizes what we were all feeling inside. Sheer terror.
The firemen came with their flashing lights after we called the ACU PD. Thank goodness for cell phones, huh? They pried open the doors, and all 15 of us stepped up onto the first floor. What lambs. We are forever in debt to our knights in shining armor, the Abilene Fire Department.

Goodness gracious. So this is the event consuming my life at the present moment. Could I be more exhausted? Theres no way. After all, I slept late for work this morning and had to come in the pajamas I wore to sleep in. However, could I love it more?
There's no way on earth.
Sing Song brings something to ACU daily life that no other time in the year does. There's excitement... anticipation... competition... trash talk... drama... hard work... nerves...
The list could go on. All in all, at the end of the day, sing song has to be one of my favorite ACU traditions of all time. Not only is it super great and incredibly fun... but it bonds people in a way that nothing else can. My theory, if you will, is that pledging gets girls into club. Sing song makes them siggies. Laugh all you want... but these are words of wisdom that you will not soon forget.

So other than sing song, the other 1% of my life is made up of work, social work classes, my CPS internship, and trying to cram in time to eat, sleep, and breathe. :) It's a crazy busy semester. But I love it.
In other news...
Eh, who am I kidding? I have no other news. Love you. Be blessed today.
-Manda

You need only be Still...

2010-02-07T13:14:00.000-08:00

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." -Exodus 14:14

Those of you who know me are aware of the fact that I have a hard time being still.
It's true. Since I was little, I found it impossible to just sit and be still. My fingers tap, my legs dance, I sing. Rhythm is constantly in my head. I don't like being still... it means listening. I don't like silence, because it means no one is talking.
I've been fighting for what seems like forever. It's worn me down. My soul yearns to rest. My heart remembers what it felt like to find complete contentment. Yet I can't seem to recapture that feeling.
Do you remember ever being a kid and not wanting to be picked up? Not wanting to be loved or comforted? The struggle? Fighting against a force so much bigger than yourself... that no matter how much you squirmed and twisted, at the end, you were left panting, exhausted, and right where you started?
I'm there.
I don't know when it happened, how it happened, or even necessarily why. All I know if that I'm panting. I'm limp with exhaustion, and the only option left is giving up. Giving it up to one who will make the choices for me.
All I can do is be still.
I don't want to. I'm too busy. I don't have time. It's uncomfortable.
But it's all I can do.
Here's to hoping He'll do the fighting.

First Love

2010-01-26T07:15:00.001-08:00

^"2I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. ³You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. ⁴Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love." -Revelation 2:2-4

This verse hits me hard. I've almost come to an end of my "bible-in-six-months" goal... and I must admit, books like Revelation are tedious for me. I'd much rather read about God's unfailing love, Jesus' unending sacrifice, and stories of beloved bible characters. I'd rather be affirmed by books like Philippians (my favorite) and the Corinthians. When I read Revelation, I very rarely come away feeling good about myself. I suppose that's where I get screwed up most of the time- expecting my relationship with God to always feel good; wanting an easy, loving, open communication line with Him. That's not always the case is it?
I believe that people believe that God's addressing the church in Ephesus in this part of scripture. While I try to see myself as above such things- forsaking my first love- in reality, I'm no better.
I've been in love. I've felt the passion, the ache... the excitement the moment they walk into the room. You heart starts racing and the room suddenly feels void of oxygen. Your body sometimes freezes up, praying that he won't see you, but at the same time, hoping that he will. You pick apart every little thing that he does- dwell on it for hours. Smiles, waves... the occasional laugh. Isn't that the way that first love is supposed to feel? It's an anticipation- a feeling never before, and never again, experienced.
The thought of the Ephesians losing that love... it means they had it to begin with. That terrifies me. I don't remember the last time I felt so utterly immersed in my love for Him. I can't recall an instance when I got that breathless feeling of anticipation when I approached the throne to talk... where did it go? Or was it never there to begin with?
The Ephesians are told that they've become too legalistic. Yes, they've done, and said, all the right things. They look perfect. They have not done anything wrong when it comes to tangibly living out their Christianity. It's just void of passion.

I want to live a passionate life.
^"15I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! ¹⁶So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth." -Revelation 3
This verse terrifies me. I know that we use it way too much, at least in the Church of Christ. I've had this verse beat into my head thousands of times. Don't be lukewarm. Don't go through the motions! Don't forget your first love!
I'm so lukewarm.
I live this life of comfort... this life of Christianity in a protected, picturesque setting filled with people carrying bibles in their purses and verses in their heads. I know I'm not the only one, especially at ACU, who has trouble connecting my comfortable Christian-university life to one that I'm called to live. I know that I'm young, and I have my whole life ahead of me to be passionate for Christ. Yet what about the here and now?
I want to finish school. I want to get my Masters. I want to work with children. I want to meet someone to spend my life with. Those are things I want. I don't think that God necessarily calls me to give up on my goals for myself. But I do think that He wants to be in them. He wants to delight in my joy. He wants to do things like dance at my wedding and celebrate when I graduate. He wants to be there, every step of the way. What an intriguing thought.
Because while I'm busy doing all the right things, I constantly forget the reason why I'm doing them. My reasons change. They become narcissistic. They revolve around other people; and I forget my first love. But Hes' there. He's waiting. I can feel Him begging me to turn around and look at Him- to catch a glimpse of the God who I fell in love with in the first place.
The thought of being breathless before Him... my heart racing and my thoughts constantly on Him... it's captivating. I want to get there. I want to work, daily, to fall back in love with God. I'm not quite sure, honestly, how to tangibly do that yet. But I think wanting is a start, right?

In Him,
Amanda

The Fam

2010-01-19T07:35:00.000-08:00

Today I miss my family. My mom, my dad, the Abs and Magster...
While I love ACU and the things I'm involved in here, I often wish that my family lived closer and I could see them more often. Christmas always spoils me... then I'm left missing them more than I did before. So today is a picky post dedicated to: LA FAMILIA! Enjoy.

Christmas love.

Fall 2009... Aren't they pretty?

Abby's Baptism... This is one of those where you know we're all related.

Sing Song 2009-Carmen-Daddy loves Sing Song!

Lots of Laughs.

Getting them ready for ACU life. Future Siggies? Maybe so... I mean, look at that natural talent.

I just like this one.

Mama and Daddy.

Fake it til you Make it

2010-01-14T09:34:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I really don't know how I'm going to do this.
This whole "finishing college, getting a job... living in uncertainty and being okay with it" thing. It's easy to SAY that I have faith... that I think God will be faithful to me through everything. That my heart doesn't sink when I think about what the heck I'm supposed to do when I graduate. That I am completely happy with the direction in which I'm headed and the things I'm getting ready to do.
How do people live in uncertainty?
I'm a planner.
I've always liked knowing the next step. Knowing what I'm up against.
Knowing that I'm not going to be alone doing it.
I can't do that anymore. And I hate it.

Sometimes I can fool myself into thinking that everything is going to turn out just fine; that is, exactly the way that I want it. That all the worries in the depths of my heart... the ones that I don't speak out loud... that they'll go away and I'll be completely content.

But that's not going to happen honestly.

I'm going to be disappointed. I'm aware of that. It's a reality. But at the end of the day, so often, I end up feeling like I'm by myself. No matter where I am, who I'm with, or what I'm doing... it's a constant awareness that, eventually, I'm going to have to do this on my own.
I hate that feeling.

I used to like to think that I was a person of great faith. That I had my priorities in line, and that my faith and hope were substantial. That I was exceptional in that fact. But as I've gotten older... as I've faced more things that have broken me in ways never before experienced... I've begun to realize that I actually, in reality, have very little faith. I'm not sure of anything. What happens to "Faith is being SURE of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."? I dont feel that way. Does it mean that I don't have sufficient faith, or that I have none at all? What's caused that? I remember feeling that way at one point in my life. Like I was sure that, no matter what the circumstances, I didn't have to worry because I served a mighty and faithful God. What happened to that assurance?

I know exactly what happened. He didn't do what I wanted. He let me down. He gave up on listening to the cries of my heart. At least that's how it felt.
And the thought of trusting Him again is terrifying. The thought of giving myself, my desires and my innermost thoughts, to Him is so unappealing. I don't want to.

How do I balance a need for faith, and an apathy toward it?

How do I realize my inadequacy and overcome my pain? I really don't know.

Searching for God Knows What

2010-01-12T08:33:00.000-08:00

"Therefore, Lord, I promise I will not run away, not give up, not stop praying, even when it all seems useless, pointless, and a waste of time and effort. I want to let you know that I love you even though I do not feel loved by you, and that I hope in you even though I often experience despair. Let this be a little dying I can do with you and for you as a way of experiencing some solidarity with the millions in this world who suffer far more than I do. Amen." -Henri Nouwen, A Cry for Mercy

Here I sit.
Work, as usual, proves to be somewhat of a bore, and I find my thoughts wandering. My heart's pretty heavy today. I don't know what it is- stress... the knowledge that this semester is going to be full of hard things to get through... being tired... worry.... I don't know.
I wish I could live this prayer out in my life. I like to believe that I do. That in the midst of pain and strife... everything... that I give myself over to Him. That I let my struggles "be a little dying" I can do with Him. But I don't do that.
Why?
Is it because it's easier to do it my way? Because it's not! I live in this constant state of swinging back and forth.... ecstatic and thankful one day, and broken the next. What a lack of holiness.
How do I balance? How do I manifest His love in my life?
I want to. I want so desperately to live passionately. To be distinct in Him. But it's the doing it that's the actual problem. I'm so tired of being apathetic to those around me. Tired of living this day-to-day selfishness that we're all taught so well. I'm so driven in other aspects of my life- why am I not driven in my walk with Him?
I want to take the plunge. It's figuring out how to jump that's the problem.

2010-01-10T12:59:00.000-08:00

Wow. I'm really bad at keeping up with this thing over breaks.
So I'm back. ATown is fabulous as always... I got back last sunday and was launched straight into a short course... which, by the way, was the most amazing class I've ever taken. Ask me about it sometime. I'll talk your ear off for hours.
So I've been in class, hanging around my house, and going to weddings within the past week or so. Official classes start tomorrow and I can't wait to get started. Part of me is really dreading the whole process; I do miss my family and the relaxation of waking up without an alarm every day. However, the next six months bear amazing things.... such as:
SING SONG
CAMP
MY BIRTHDAY
SING SONG
GLEE IN APRIL
NEW CLASSES
CPS INTERNSHIP
SING SONG
LTC
WEDDINGS
SING SONG

Wow... looking at that now, it looks lame. Haha. But Sing Song's on the brain right now... we start practice TOMORROW! I'll keep you posted, but start readying yourself for a EOX victory this year. Pretty exciting.
In other news- today's my daddy's birthday. So get excited about that. For those of you who don't know Greg McAdams... you should.
Anyways... that's about all that's going on right now. I'll keep you updated. Love you- Blessings!

In Him,
AMANDA

Baby It's Cold Outside...

2009-12-08T08:06:00.000-08:00

So technically right now I should be studying for my huge spanish final at 2:00 that I have yet to really sit down and study for.... but being the procrastinator I am, I'm putting it off for another hour or so.
I'm sitting here at my desk shift, drinking hot chocolate and listening to Yiruma on the piano... and it's freezing outside. Not the normal, run of the mill cold... no, this is biting, frigid cold. The wind in Abilene is making it that much colder... it claws its' way through your clothes, freezing everything! People run because they can't stand how cold it is.... the sidewalks on campus are practically empty, partially because it's finals week, but also partially because of this weather. The people that stick it out are the ones who really have someplace they NEED to be.
That's kind of how my life's been this semester. Gusts of cold, freezing air, permeating my heart and my life. But I've been keeping myself so busy that, while I'm miserable at times in the frigid cold... I don't notice so much. And slowly, bit by bit, it's started to get warmer. The sun's coming out. Granted, it's taken a LONG time... this winter has been long and dark. But I'm finally starting to feel the sunlight, and it feels so great. God's blessed me abundantly this year. He gave me incredible friends who have stood beside me through one of the darkest seasons of my life. He's brought activities and things into my life to just plain distract me when necessary. He's even worked in my heart.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to thank you, whoever reads this, although I'm pretty sure it might just be a few people. Thank you for taking this journey with me. Thank you for being present in my life.

Anyways... enough of that. Again, it's finals week and everyone is living in the library.... pretty sure it took me close to ten minutes to find a parking spot on campus today. While I have few actual tests (since most of my classes just make me write huge papers), the ones I do have will be challenging, and I honestly really should be studying for Spanish. Oh well. I'll survive.

Rumor has it that my little sister, Maggie, is a beast on the basketball court. Superproud of her and excited to watch her play when I get home.

Anyways... that's about all I have to say. I hope that you're having such a blessed day.... Love you.

Little Bitty Pretty One...

2009-12-06T16:29:00.001-08:00

So I know that all I do is post pickies these days, but things are so busy and I want to keep them well documented! :) So anyways... this is life lately...

Me and Lopes at Homecoming Breakfast... a little while ago but I think she looks so pretty.... couldn't help posting it.

Me and my precious lamb Shelby at Christmas social... so pretty!

Maggie, Me, and Abby over Thanksgiving break. Mom went on a picture kick, and this is what we turned out...

Joy to the world... or to the McAdams house... love my sisters. Aren't they beautiful?

My and Caroline at Christmas Social. Love you so much.

Social Work friends at Christmas Social....

The Crew... Some of my best friends in the world.

AND THE WINNERS ARE...

2009-12-04T17:00:00.001-08:00

Destroying in the shallow end.... yes please

J'Lyn taking down that girl. Look at her!

Shelbs doing her thing in the shallow end

AWESOME fans

Getting ready to take off

You are reading the words of a waterball champion. THATS RIGHT. Last night SIGMA THETA CHI won the Intramural waterball championship. So I thought I'd document this with pictures from Waterball this season. Enjoy. ;)

Christmas bells are ringing....

2009-11-30T10:40:00.001-08:00

preparation...

2009-11-19T18:38:00.000-08:00

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever, Amen." -Ephesians 3:20-21

Recently I've become increasingly thankful for the friends that I have in my life. I was sitting with one of the biggest blessings to my life, Mickey McCloud, last night, talking about things that God has done in my life. So often I find myself complaining.... about school, disappointments, and struggles. I question God and ask Him what He could possibly be thinking. Then I look back on the past year.
I had such a need for good friends in my life. I remember sitting alone sometimes, praying so fervently that God would bring good, loving people to surround me and affirm me. Last night I realized that He has far surpassed that prayer.
My life is full. It's filled with incredible people who are God-fearing, and who serve as constant encouragements to me. I look at the friendships that I have cultivated over the past year, and especially the past six months, and I realize that so many things in my life have been preparing me for these relationships. On so many levels, I am able to connect with others through shared pain, through experiences, and through passions that we share in our lives. I am blessed so abundantly more than I could ask or imagine. So tonight I'm just thanking Him for how good He's been.
Katie Fin, Jen, Emily, and Caroline

2009-11-08T12:35:00.000-08:00

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade"- THE HOLIDAY

So last night I was sick. I got kicked in the ear during waterball practice, and while it might not have been a big deal in normal situations, I've had big problems with my ears and hearing throughout life, so it's something we have to watch. So I sat at home, on a night when I would normally have been out having fun. And I made the HUGE mistake of watching The Holiday. Now don't get me wrong. LOVE this movie... love the music, the message, the actors... I might be a tad bit obsessed. But for some reason, I'd never paid attention to this line before. Maybe it was because I was always focusing on the soundtrack in the background, or this might be the part of the movie where I usually run to the bathroom because I've had to go the entire movie long. Either way... this line had gone unnoticed by me before.
I wrote it down in my journal... because that's what I want. I want those pieces of my soul to come back. The me that was so happy and open before... I want to meet her again. I let so many things over the past year just drag me down... farther and farther until I eventually couldn't take it anymore.

What a mighty God we serve. I am so excited to feel worthwhile again.. to do things that are worthwhile. I'm excited to see where God's going to lead me.... and while that thought still terrifies me, I'm looking forward to the journey.

What happens underwater...

2009-11-05T08:31:00.000-08:00

This, ladies and gentlemen, is waterball. My new favorite activity in the entire world. My team started on Monday, and so far, Siggies are DOMINATING. :)
Granted, this is a video of boys playing, but I can tell you that girls are much dirtier... kicking, pinching... it is EPIC. And I love it.

So this is my life these days. We have our second game today, and we are beyond excited. So if you've got nothing to do, come to the pool at 8 and support SIGMA THETA CHI.

In other news...
I've been super busy these days... with waterball, spanish document translations, papers, and projects, I barely have time to breathe these days. It is awesome. :)
Got my schedule done for next semester... superexciting because I only have classes on MWF, and it's a pretty exciting semester for me course-wise.

Anyways... i just wanted to introduce my large group of devoted readers to the best sport in the entire world... and to let them know that I'll try not to drown... although I can't make any promises :) LOVE YOU!

fear

2009-11-01T13:37:00.000-08:00

Some days I just get plain terrified.
Granted, I'm only a Junior... I've got a while to go before I graduate, let alone, before I'm done with Grad school. But there are days... this one in particular... where I just sit, thinking about how scary it is to imagine my future. I'm terrified of where I'm going... what I'm going to do, who I'm going to be, and if I'm going to have to do it all alone. While I can often shake the thoughts off, using that timeless excuse that I have "plenty of time to think about stuff like that later," I can't do it today. Today I find myself grieving over what was.... what is... what's going to be. How quickly time passes and how much of it I've wasted. How much of my heart I've given to people and things that can't give anything back....
Do you ever just long for the ability to see into your future? Not long term... just maybe five years down the line. Just to be reassured that His promises are real... that He won't abandon me alone...

We had interviews with a Social Work advisor this week, the man in charge of our field placements for next semester. I'm really excited about field placements, because it gives us the chance to experience social work in a certain field before being in an actual job. He's thinking about putting me at CPS... which is pretty exciting, considering I've been leaning more toward the child advocacy side of social work within the past few months. But it's gotten me thinking about post-graduation... being thrust into a world that really doesnt care what happens to me ultimately. So who will I be and what will I do? Who will I see on a day-to-day basis? Will my life be as extraordinary as I've always longed for it to be?
I get tired of pretending like I'm not worried. I'd like to be one of those people who seem so carefree when it comes to thoughts of their futures... who seem to put all trust and hope in God and His promises, the way I wish I could. But I'm just not there....

Yahweh hear our cry...

2009-10-30T17:31:00.000-07:00

Our enemy, our captor is no pharaoh on the Nile
Our toil is neither mud nor brick nor sand
Our ankles bear no calluses from chains, yet Lord, we're bound
Imprisoned here, we dwell in our own land

Deliver us, deliver us
Oh Yahweh, hear our cry
And gather us beneath your wings tonight

Our sins they are more numerous than all the lambs we slay
These shackles they were made with our own hands
Our toil is our atonement and our freedom yours to give
So Yahweh, break your silence if you can

Deliver us, deliver us,
Oh Yahweh, hear our cry
And gather us beneath your wings tonight

'Jerusalem, Jerusalem
How often I have longed
To gather you beneath my gentle wings'

There are days when I find myself crying out. Days when my heart is heavy. Days when I crave love....
I know I sound like a stereotypical girl... but honestly, I dont care. Lets be real. I'm ready for my future. I'm excited about the prospect of that life that I long for. I'm anticipating God's big adventure for my life. I feel so trapped some days.... wanting so much more than He's giving me right now. Sometimes I feel as though He doesn't listen to my heart... the longing of my spirit. I want to live a life of passion... I want to breathe life into every thing and person I come in contact with. As lame as that sounds. I'm so ready to figure out how it is that I'm going to do that...
I want to hurt for the suffering. I want to give freely. I want to love fiercely. Am I just missing the opportunities that present themselves? Or have they not yet come?

Grubalub

2009-10-15T18:08:00.001-07:00

Just a few pickies from grub like I promised.... So the theme was "Around the World in Siggie Seconds," and Rachel, Grant, Matt, and I went as the PGA tour... hence the preppy golf outfits. The squigs did a really great job with skits and serving club members.... I was so proud of our little pledges! Anyways... here's me and Matt posing.... it was randomly supercold that night, so I'm freeeeeeezing in all of these pics!

Me and Em. She came as a tourist mom with her son. Funny enough, Em's date is like, 6"7.... what a mom. She looked precious. I just love her with my whole heart.

Me and Rachel before the boys got there. These sweaters belong to her dad, which is why they look so big. :) So adorable

This is me and Matt at dinner... I remember taking this picture because I was freezing my rear off... the northface went on quickly after this pic was taken. :) Harolds food was great, our table was fun... and of course, we had a good time

The four of us before the night began... I was freezing in this one too. :) This was when Grant tried to teach me how to actually hold a golf club.... needless to say, I have a feeling that golfing will never be my spiritual gift.

This is me and J-Dodd after the night was over... hence the rough look makeup wise. :) But I love her and just had to put this one up. She went as Victoria Beckham. Striking resemblance. :)

And finally, me and the roomates. Emily is a Barcelona soccer player, Jax is a map, Stans had been sick so she's just wrapped up here to stay warm.... and Becca was an Austin Powers girl.

Overall the night was really great and fun.... I enjoyed it a lot!

This week is midterms week so I've been superbusy. I must admit, this blog post is somewhat of a means of procrastination while I put off studying for my spanish midterm tomorrow afternoon. It'll get done... late tonight. :)
Homecoming is this weekend, so we've been working on our float. I'm really excited about seeing the squigs in the parade and Siggie Homecoming breakfast. It's going to be a really great weekend. Definitely looking forward to it. :)
Other than that, life just goes on. I'm superlooking forward to going home for a couple of days during fall break next weekend... seeing my family and watching Briana get married.

So anyways.... I hope you're having a blessed day!

Happenings...

2009-10-08T17:34:00.000-07:00

Okay... so I thought that posting pickies would be a supergreat idea.... since I never put up any pictures. :) So to begin.. heres a pic of me and my bestie Cami... What a huge blessing she is to my life. We got close this summer during camp and I am thoroughly convinced that I will forever be in debt to Bob and Jan for hiring us at the same time. What a God thing. :)

Siggies at beautiful Kelsie Dunn Morris' wedding.... absolutely gorgeous wedding for an absolutely gorgeous girl. I was so happy to share her special day with her last month.

And rushes began. I have lots of pics from the 80s rush, and you can check fb for those... but this has to be my favorite. Yes, that is my best friend Melissa Ann.... rocking the 80's headband... and this, my friends, is why we are besties. :) The attitude is legit. Oh and btw... that dress was SICK because it was so hot in there. But when siggies throw a party... we throw a party. ;)

Me and our precious keeper of the key Shelby the day that the squigs received their bids. What an amazing job she is doing on homecoming float.... pics of that will come after homecoming... she is absolutely adorable and I lalalalalove her.

ROOMIES!!! Jacquie, me, and Emily. Katie and Becca weren't there for this event, but it's so much fun to talk about the girls in my house. They are AMAZING. Such a huge blessing to me this semester... God definitely knew what I needed and sent me abundantly more in those four girls... so thankful

This is me and Rachel at the beginning of bid night. LALALALOVE this picture... don't worry, we are definitely teaming up together and going as a foursome to grub with our dates... do not worry, pics soon to come of our precious costumes and selves. ;)

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is my precious little, Squig Kelly. She is absolutely adorable and I am loving being her big sis. She's got such a great attitude about pledging and it is so much fun getting to know her and experience this with her. CANNOT WAIT until she's in club with me.

And finally, a flag football pic. This is after our game that was on the muddiest field ever. My tennis shoes are forever ruined. But don't worry... I think we won this game. :)

All in all, the semester is going pretty well. Obviously, I'm superbusy with club and pledging, but I am loving spending time with such God-fearing women and surrounding myself with girls that support and love me. The new squigs are great and I cannot wait until all of them are part of the special group that I love so much.
Social Work is going well... lots of papers and homework, but I'm loving the stuff I'm learning and I cant WAIT until next semester when I get to do my first field placement... crossing my fingers for a hospital... but you never know. :)
It's getting colder outside which makes me SO happy, because cold weather mean's Christmas is a-comin.... and after that SING SONG. Which is beyond exciting...
I'm OBSESSED with a new TV show... for those of you who don't know... my countdown between wednesdays offically begins the second that GLEE is over for that week. I don't think you can possibly understand how much I wish my life was like this show. I'd give my right arm to be on it. Lame, oh I know... but truth.
Other than that, things just keep chuggin along. Homecoming is next weekend so that's pretty exciting... really a fun time for club and for us in general.... it'll be nice to see people who I haven't seen in a while.
Anyways... I hope that you're having a blessed day and looking for the gifts God's sending. Love you.

Amanda Christine

Deep calls to Deep

2009-10-04T12:41:00.000-07:00

So I have to admit, I haven't been to great at the church thing as of late. It's not that I don't want to go, and not even that it's too early and I can't get out of bed. Because I work at 1 on sunday afternoons, it's hard to get over to southern hills, get back, eat, get my stuff together, change, and get to work on time. So lately I've made excuses and haven't gone. Thank goodness for Cami making me pick her up today so that I'd go.
I love when God sends those little messages to us. You know what I'm talking about? He makes everything so clear at a specific moment in time... and suddenly we forget, even for an instant, why faith is so hard. We forget why hope takes so much effort and unbelief reigns so fervently in our hearts. We forget how much it hurts to live in a world full of hate and anger... and feel the fulfillment that He offers on a regular basis. I love those moments.
During Kadesh this summer, we talked about how wrong our churches have the idea of worship. We go to church and sing our little songs and clap our hands and smile, even if, underneath it all, our hearts are crying out. Today my heart was crying. Today I needed to mourn, not necessarily praise. As awful as it sounds, sometimes I'm just not in the place to praise Him for what He's done. We sang a song today that I've heard before, several times actually, but never really taken the time to pay attention to
Deep calls to deep:
In the depths of my soul I cry out,
In the depths of my soul I cry out,
Save me the waters are over my head,
In the depths of my soul I cry out.
In my midst of the sea I cry out,
In my midst of the sea I cry out,
Have you forgotten me, where are you God?
In the midst of the sea I cry out....
Still I will praise you Lord.
Still I will praise you Lord.

The sounds are still ringing in my ears. Sometimes I feel this drowning, this utter despair for God's provision and salvation. Even in the moments when I feel overwhelmed... when my heart can't take the breaking and my soul can't take the hurt.... Still I will praise you Lord.
What does that look like tangibly? I wish I knew. I can pretend to know.... but really, praising God isn't about acting happy when you're not. It's not about giving thanks when you're not thankful. It's about being real with him... acknowledging him as the maker and creator of all... and being angry anyways. How do I praise Him when I'm overwhelmed?

Sisters in our Quest...

2009-09-20T12:01:00.000-07:00

So Bid night has come and gone, and let me just begin by saying that it is MUCH more enjoyable on this end of things. To say the least! :)
I am beyond excited because two of my best friends in the world are in this pledge class. I cannot wait to share this vital part of my life with them.
When I ranked for club, I can look back and say I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Pledging was one of the most physically and emotionally exhausting experiences I have ever had. It took so much out of me... Those who were around me that semester can attest to the fact that I was not particularly pleasant all the time. In fact, I was pretty depressed. God and I wrestled with each other that semester... and honestly, I didn't know if I'd make it until the moment that I got into club.
Good grief I am thankful. Thankful that I didnt know what I was getting myself into. Thankful that I didn't listen to people who didn't want me to pledge. Thankful that God blessed me with the opportunity to be a part of such a Godly group of women. I am so immensely proud to be a part of a club that respects each other and loves each other unconditionally.
I had no idea what kind of support system I was going to be a part of when I accepted my bid a year ago. The women that would become my best friends...
I would not have made it through the past few months without the girls who I've come to love so dearly. Through every moment, they have stood beside me, held me, and encouraged me. What amazing plans God has! So here's my "I'm thankful for club" post... :)

In other news, today is my sister Maggie's birthday, and Tuesday was Abby's. Heres a HAPPY BIRTHDAY to them. What a blessing they are to our family! Happy birthday to two of the greatest sisters in the world!

Summit begins at ACU today, so the campus will be flooded with ministers and preachers coming to hear speakers and worship leaders. Party hardy. It'll be interesting to see... Summit's always nice, just because teachers will cancel classes so that you can attend sessions. Personally, i'd much rather sit through summit than be in class, so I'm a fan. :)

Hope that you're having a blessed day...

Jesus can you show me...

2009-09-13T14:12:00.000-07:00

Goodness. Today I've been looking back. Reading articles from journals over the past four months.... this journey has been a long one. Sometimes I feel like I've been walking through a dream.... and even sometimes today, I wake up believing that my life hasn't been changed. But it has. God and I have fought, and for the first time in my life, I've experienced spiritual warfare. As terrifying as that sounds, I've felt the presence of both God and Satan so tangibly in my life recently, it's been ridiculous. I've said it before, but my heart is tired. My eyes are dry. I've come to a point in my life that I never thought I'd reach just a few short months ago.... God is good. Looking back on the condition of my heart, I'm astounded at how far I've come. How faithful He's been. How overwhelmed I am.
"So here I am in the place of worship, eyes open, drinking in your strength and glory. In your generous love I am really living at last!" -Psalm 63:2-3 (The Message)

Really living at last...
I want to live. I want to love with no reservations. I want people to feel His presence when they encounter mine. What an amazing transformation it could make in the lives of those around me.... and in my life as well. I cannot wait to see what He has in store for me.... Cannot wait.

2009-09-06T13:10:00.000-07:00

Give us faith to be strong
Father, we are so weak
Our bodies are fragile and weary
As we stagger and stumble to walk where you lead
Give us faith to be strong

Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong

Give us peace when we're torn
Mend us up when we break
This flesh can be wounded and shaking
When there's much too much trouble for one heart to take
Give us peace when we're torn

Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong

Give us hearts to find hope
Father, we cannot see
How the sorrow we feel can bring freedom
And as hard as we try, Lord, it's hard to believe
So, give us hearts to find hope

Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong
Give us peace when we're torn
Give us faith, faith to be strong
-Andrew Peterson

I've always been a music person. I love to listen to it, sing it, see it.... lol, it really doesn't matter, I just always have a song going through my head. Singing is my form of prayer, lyrics give me words when I have none. As corny as it sounds, I feel like music is such a gift of God to my life, and I love surrounding myself with it.

I grew up as a youth minister's kid.... therefore, my introduction to secular music did not occur until... oh... the age of around 16. Lame I know, but that was my life. :) I grew up on AVB, Rich Mullins, and Steven Curtis Chapman. There are songs on those old CDs in my room back home that got me through everything... broken hearts, failures, ended friendships. I can't tell you how much God has spoken to me through those men.

This song is one of my favorites. Yes, I know it's somewhat repetitive, and pretty simple. But if you want complete honesty, I can't hear it without tearing up. The simplicity of this plea... It's become my breath prayer. "Give us hearts to find hope, Father, we cannot see how the sorrow we feel can bring freedom...." Wow. There are days when my heart just cries the words to this song. Sometimes I search so desperately for His plans, for a single word from Him. My faith is so weak at times... and in different ways. Some days, I can barely pray. I question His judgement, His timing, His love. Then some days, my lack of faith causes me to believe that I don't need Him. I'm worthy enough, I'm holy enough. In fact, there are days that I even convince myself that He needs me. What an idiotic thing....

I wish that faith came easily to me. I wish that I never had moments of doubt, that I didn't have to hurt and question His providence. I wish I didn't struggle with the belief in His goodness. But I do.
This life is not long but it's hard.
Yes. It's not long. This hurt doesn't last forever. But while it does... I need strength. I need faith. I need hope. Sometimes I feel so ill equipped for the task ahead of me, and there are times when I find the task of trusting him to be insurmountable. My mindset: I can do it by MYSELF. I dont need YOU. You've failed me in the past, why the heck should I trust YOU with my heart yet again?

Oh but how can I not?

I've tried. The past few months, I've fought to keep my heart, to give it to other things. I've given it to people, to hobbies, to staying busy. I've devoted it to self criticism, worry, and stress. But my heart can't take it anymore. This hole just can't be filled with anything else. So here I stand yet again. Begging Him to fill it, because I threw Him out. Pleading with Him to be present and alive in my heart. Here I am. And it feels great.

Inconceivable

2009-08-31T22:14:00.000-07:00

"'Comfort, comfort my people,' says your God."

Wow. At a time when I need comfort, He provides. At a time when I need a word, a phrase... anything from Him... He's there. I am HIS.
How lame is it that I cry while I'm writing that phrase?
I'm at a point in my life where I just need God to know. I need Him to know the pain that I feel sometimes. I need Him to know how much some things He's called me to are costing me. I need Him to know that I'm tired. I need Him to hold me.
Saturday my car broke down at Sonic. I turned it off to order, and when I tried to turn it back on, it made a sound like it was trying to lay an egg. Yikesabee.
Turns out, there are lots of things wrong with it... things with words to big for me to remember... anyways... all that to say... I needed someone. In the past... well, I had a built-in-someone. This was really my first time to handle a situation like this by myself. So what did I do? Lol, called my dad. Then I called Jacquie... and then Matt and Grant.
God provided. As much as I hated the process of getting there... my car will be fixed tomorrow and in better shape than it was before.
Sometimes I hate God. I yell at Him when I'm driving. I shout at Him for the ways He's screwed up my plans. I complain and gripe and cry and curse. What kind of God lets His people hurt? Isn't it enough? When will it be enough?

I dont honestly know. I'm tired. My heart is tired. I'm sick of fighting with Him... begging Him to just let me go back to where I was. He can't. I can't.

Broken people. Broken plans. Broken hearts.

"However, as it is written: 'No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him.'" 1 Corinthians 2:9

Oh I want to love Him. I want to be enamored. I want to be consumed. I want my heart and my mind and my soul to be wrapped so tightly in His comfort that I feel nothing else. I want his preparations for me to be inconceivable.

Isaiah 6:1

2009-08-28T15:31:00.000-07:00

So I'm doing a Beth Moore bible study called "Breaking Free" with some precious girls here at school. If you don't know how it's set up, there are five days of study, then a day when we all come together and watch a video and discuss our studies throughout the week. I have been so incredibly blessed by this so far... I can't even begin to describe it. It's only been a week! :)
Anyways... this study focuses a lot on Isaiah.. which is most definitely my favorite book of the bible, so I'm loving that. Anyways... The study on Tuesday was focused on the passing of King Uzziah, and Isaiah's encounter with the Lord. Beth Moore makes a point of emphasizing Isaiah 6:1...

"In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple."

Isaiah probably grew up idolizing Uzziah. I mean, get real. This is the king of a nation... Of course all the little boys wanted to be just like him. Notice that this verse doesn't say, "In the year Josiah became king...." It makes a point of saying that Isaiah did not see the Lord, until the year that king Uzziah died. Why is that?
Could it be because he wasn't ready? Maybe Isaiah was so busy idolizing an earthly king, that he wouldn't have been able to give himself wholly to his heavenly father...
Don't you hate those moments when you suddenly know, for some reason, that the crap God sometimes brings into your life has a purpose? That, somehow, maybe you were so busy making someone/something else your "King Uzziah," that you wouldn't be able to focus on Him? When He takes that away.... what do you do?

I know what I've done.

I've pouted. I've cried. I've made myself miserable, praying that He would bring that back into my life. I've talked to every single person I could think of, trying to find a way to avoid what God has so craftfully done. I've begged and pleaded and whined. I think sometimes about how lame that is. I mean, good grief, I can talk forever about how I crave a relationship with God where I feel him pursuing me... and the minute He makes a move, I fall apart.

Now don't get me wrong. I HATE what He's done. It makes me angry. I find myself crying in the dark, wondering why He would see fit to hurt me the way He has. In no way is this post about my sudden fulfillment found in Him.... because honestly, I have yet to find it. I pray that I do. What I wouldn't give for an "unclean lips" moment.... that second where I meet God face to face and realize how wrong I've had it. I wish it would come. I hope that it does.
For now though, Im stuck here. Hating what He's doing... but at the same time, somewhat understanding why. I pray that God can someday restore my heart... to fill me with such good things that my Uzziah's of the past don't haunt me anymore. But as of now.... Still waiting.

Set the world on fire...

2009-08-27T16:01:00.000-07:00

MPulse is most definitely my favorite camp to work at. Mainly because middle schoolers are so gloriously awkward, that I feel right at home. :) Partly because I love getting to dress up in silly outfits and work out with girls who would rather be straightening their hair. It might also have to do with crazy pizza parties in my room with girls who can't sit still for five seconds. But in the end, I love the message of MPulse. I find it so vital to our mission as christians... why can't I seem to live it out in my life?
Two summers ago, at camp, our theme song for the week was "Set the World on Fire."

I wanna set the world on fire, til it's burning bright for you, it's everything that I desire... can I be the one you use? I, I am small but you, you are big enough. I, I, am weak but you, you are strong enough to take my dreams, and come and give them wings.... Lord with you, there's nothing I cannot do.

Good grief what if we lived out the words to this song? If the passion and energy that a fire would need could be somehow manifested in our lives? So often, I find myself going through the motions of Christianity. I look good to others... I do everything I'm supposed to and act the way I should. I give when I'm supposed to, know the words to the songs, and can smile and shake hands with visitors at church. Pretty simple stuff. I can look good as a minister's kid... as a christian college student... as a dedicated club member.... but in the end, nothing that I do or say means ANYTHING if there's no passion behind it. I want to be driven. I want to start seeking out my God who is constantly pursuing me. Wouldn't that make things much faster?

I've begun to realize, within the past few months, that so many of the priorities in my life have been wrong. Yes, they looked right to most other people. But the ones closest to me... they could see. My need for affirmation and for confidence often cause me to compromise my priorities. What if I lived a life where my passion and fire were so overwhelming, it forced change in others? What if my fire really did set the world ablaze? What a transformation.... what a revolution.

I want to live a life, where upon coming in contact with me, people can walk away changed. They can say that they have tangibly encountered the love of Christ.... what kind of passion does that take?

Opportunity

2009-08-23T12:43:00.001-07:00

As time passes, I guess change is inevitable. Change in ourselves, in our surroundings... I suppose it's a normal thing. At least, that's what everyone tells me. Yet, I'm one of those stubborn individuals who does, and always will, hate change. I can't stand it happening; I can't even stand the risk of it for that matter. I've always been a planner- and thus far, my life has pretty much gone according to plan. High school... ACU... Camp counselor.... with a few minor unplanned disappointments and successes along the way, my life's been the way I thought it would be.
I think that's why this summer was so difficult for me. Why I went through a whole three month period, not able to feel or see God's plans.
It's because I've always considered God's plans to be my plans. Anything outside of that was always something else.... not quite sure how that logic worked in my mind, but it did. What I'm finally coming to realize is scary, exciting, infuriating, and disappointing. My plans don't matter. In the end, what I WANT doesn't really matter. In an earthly sense at least. I've wanted a lot of things over the past couple of years.... some things that would be really good for me, and some that would have had the potential to ruin so many good aspects of my life. Some that were holy, and some that definitely were not. In the end, I've come to a turning point. I can want all day long... I can pray and beg and plead with God to give me the things that I so desperately desire. But in the end... it doesn't matter what I want. I find it so funny... because that sentence makes me angry! I reason with myself... if I serve a God who loves me, who wants good things for my life, why wouldn't he bring good things to my life? Why wouldn't he prevent me from hurting and take away pain? Then I remember.... it's not about what I want. Sometimes I can't stand Him for that.
I'm having to realize that these changes in my life are here to stay. Nothing's going back to the way it was. I can't just pretend that I didn't feel the things I felt this summer... I can't go back to not listening to what He's trying to tell me. I can't go back to ignoring the needs of other people in order to get what I want. New opportunity.
Some days, that's really exciting. Some days I dread waking up to this newness. But whether I want it or not, the opportunity is there. Now I just have to decide if I'm going to take it.

Numb

2009-08-19T23:14:00.000-07:00

Do you wake up some days, and just feel numb? Nothing brings forth emotion; there's no passion for living in your thoughts? As an emotion-driven person, I can tell you that these kinds of days break me. I'm not used to going through the motions of a day... have tried not to do that since High School.... I conciously desire to live a life of passion. Today though... today was different. I was numb. Happiness, sadness, anger, bitterness, all the feelings that have been coursing through me the past couple of months... they were just gone today. Suddenly, upon feeling numb, I find a sense of relief.
Don't get me wrong.... I hate this feeling. I firmly believe that a life void of passion really doesn't add up to much. But today I needed that break from feeling, from thinking. I needed to know that sometimes, the best that we can do is just turn everything off.
I'm so tired of letting things consume me. I'm a stronger person than that, yet I worry and fret over the smallest things sometimes. In the end, the majority of things that cause me heartache now will have no bearing over me, twenty, ten, or even one year from now. I've talked before about my chronic worrying... how I have trouble trusting that God cares for me and has my best interests at heart... so often I feel like those interests aren't being met. I find it so difficult to put my faith in a God I can't see, hear, or feel sometimes. Plus there's the thoughts of times in the past, when I've put my faith in Him, and I've ended up broken. How do I give everything to a God who seems to let me down so often?
I know that thought is ridiculous.... in my head. But my heart says otherwise. There are days where it's all I can do just to whisper a prayer to him as I close my eyes. Then there are other days, like today, where I find myself praying with every breath I take. Because, whether He's let me down or not, good grief I can't do this alone. While it's easy to say that I want His plans to prevail in my life, in reality, I so often feel like my plans are better. My plans take my heart into consideration, does that make sense? At times I feel as though His don't. Because He lets me ache and hurt for things; he brings the new and removes the old. But again, in the end... I really dont have a choice. I'm inadequate, insufficient, and incapable of doing this on my own. Praise Him that I don't have to.

Catching up...

2009-08-17T23:51:00.000-07:00

Wow. This has been a huge summer of growth. Trying to sum it all up in one blogpost would be literally impossible... so I'll just hit some of the highlights and try to fill in more in later posts.
Camp was incredible. Not kidding, this year was an even better experience than last summer was. I built some incredible relationships with other people on staff, and I'm so looking forward to cultivating those now that the school year is beginning. Campers were amazing... what else is new? God blessed me with exactly the campers I needed, on the weeks that I needed them. His faithfulness was proved time and time again... I am so blessed to know that He takes care of me so fully.
Henry and I broke up.... that's all I'll say about that. God is faithful. His plans prevail.
I had a lot of lessons to learn through various events this summer... Kadesh was a huge eye-opener for me. What a blessing it is to go through that curriculum three times... it's impossible to get everything out of it, even when I study it over and over. We talked about Revolution.... a revolution in our lives and the way we live them. A revolution in the church, and the way we perceive it. A revolution in our hearts and the way we treat others. I have been changed through that curriculum... I can't wait to find out what kind of revolution He can possibly have in store for me. It's been a really rough summer... not going to lie.... and I've had to trust God more than ever before. I think I've truly experienced spiritual warfare for the first time.... weird... and I'm still figuring out how I feel about it.
I'm back in Abilene and missing a lot of things. Even though the place is the same, the feeling of camp is completely gone.... hard thing to accept. I miss the community that camp brings.... forced at times, yes, but incredible. I miss people that don't exist anymore... i miss trust.... I miss believing in something with all my heart. I miss being exhausted at the end of the day, my eyes closing the minute my head hits the pillow, knowing I've worn myself out doing His work. I really love that feeling.
But all in all, I'm really excited about this semester. God's blessing me with lots of new people to love and opportunities to seize. I'm anticipating what He's going to do.... honestly, with some apprehension at times.... Because He's working in weird ways in my life right now. I'm learning to trust.... but it is a learning process. I dont know if I'll ever be able to heal some wounds in my heart right now.... but I'm hoping that, with time, they'll become scars. I know they'll always be there... but I would like to stop feeling them.

wow

2009-06-02T20:57:00.000-07:00

Time flies. Can't believe I'm back for another year at camp. Excited? Definitely. Nervous? Duh.
So here I am in Sikes, waiting for campers to come on Sunday, and all I can think about is how unsure I am about so many things in my life. I guess that's normal, huh? I mean, when it comes down to it, we "dont know what tomorrow will bring." But I like to think I do. I like to make a schedule in my mind... almost right down to the minute of what I'll be doing, who I'll be spending time with, and what I'll be devoting myself to. But that stuff just keeps letting me down.
I dont know what it is about camp... i just automatically feel renewed. For goodness sakes, we haven't even started yet! I mean, it can't be the bad bean food, sluggish air conditioner, or endless training sessions. All I know is that God works here, in this place. Sounds so sappy, I know. But if you could see what I get to see everyday... the ways that He moves in the lives of campers and staff... you'd be a little sappier yourself.
So I'm pretty ecstatic about camp gearing up. If you couldn't tell. :)
In others news....
The bachelorette is proving to be VERY enjoyable. David is driving me nuts and I cannot wait for him to be GONE. Give Juan a break already.
The Gosselins are breaking my heart and I just want Jon and Kate to be in love. :) Is that so much to ask?
My room is still a wreck from trying to get stuff put in the closet and in drawers... probably wont be the way I want it til like, K3. lol
Today I saw a kitten eating a bird. Sick. I liked kittens before today.
I got up this morning and went to the shower, took it, and started blowdrying my hair, before I realized that it was three in the morning. Needless to say, I went back to bed.
Finally, while it was raining this evening I made the oh so intelligent decision of going outside to get my phone out of my car. As I ran out in my rainboots, shorts, and tshirt, I realized that I'd left my ID inside. So I dove to catch the door. This is not a figurative dive. Literally. So then I was soaked, and I went back inside all mad at myself.... forgetting that I hadn't even gotten my phone. Smart Amanda.

Anyways... Just wanted to kind of update you... I'm going to try to keep better track of this as the summer rolls along... try to get in a regular habit... :)
God Bless!

Til we Meet again

2009-05-08T07:27:00.000-07:00

So today is Friday on finals week... students have been packing up and going home for two or three days now. What am I doing, you ask? Amanda had three finals today. She's not very happy.
Honestly, I should be studying for my spanish final right now, but I need a bit of a break.... some time to just breathe for a few minutes. This week has been a whirlwind of tests, papers, and work. I'm really excited about being done with this semester here in about four hours... in fact, I cannot wait. While so many people are getting ready to go home or graduate, the campus feels so weird. Everyone's in a rush to get done, and the library is empty this morning. Just last night it was a-hoppin :) Not anymore.
Summers coming and I'm SO looking forward to camps. But before that, I'm honestly just so excited for a few weeks at home with my family and friends. It'll be nice to relax a little and not worry about things being due or getting stuff right. I'll very much enjoy that. Right now, however, I have this test looming over my head.
This is the first year I've had really close friends graduating from college, and it feels so weird. Everyone around me is growing up... getting married or graduating... or even having kids! I feel behind the curve... but the funny thing about that, is that I'm perfectly content with that. :) I'm happy where I am...

There's a light at the end of this tunnel

2009-04-22T06:28:00.000-07:00

Well, school trudges along at the pace of a snail... I'm so ready to be DONE for a couple of weeks before camp. I am really excited about another summer with MPulse and Kadesh campers, but I have to be honest... I desperately need a bit of a break before I feel up to the task of tackling the upcoming summer head on. But I am excited. We have a great staff this year, and it's going to be a lot of fun.
Projects, papers, and tests are all starting to pile up, and quickly. I have a HUGE spanish project due tomorrow, and I feel very ill equipped to handle it... lol, twenty minute presentation over a book. I'm really apprehensive and have been stressing about it for a while now, but I'm trying to stay calm and let God take control of the situation. I've written before about how I'm so bad about worrying over the smallest little things... I don't let go and let God give me peace and reassurance. I want to do that. It's just so hard when I feel the need to tackle everything by myself. But I'm working on it.
It's interesting watching people at this point in the semester. I'm sitting in the library, and I'm always so entertained in here by the way people are acting. Some are stressed beyond belief and complain about it to friends who pass by, only to be on facebook half the time they're at the computer. Some just sit, blowing off assignments and procrastinating the studying process in favor of just sitting drinking coffee, or playing games with people. Some people actually work, and that's pretty admirable, considering I can never get ANYTHING done in the library. I probably shouldn't work on my spanish in here. ;)
In other news, I went with Henry to Graham this past weekend; he was preaching at his hometown church. It was a lot of fun and really helped me unwind and destress before these next few weeks of madness. He did a great job, and I enjoyed having some much needed time off with my best friend. :)
So now I sit, waiting to tackle the day. I'm going to be going strong until who knows when tonight, ddoing eveything that needs to be done, then working on that presentation until all hours. But you know what? It's okay. It's going to be okay. God has been providing me with a peace and contentment that is completely foreign to me.

Getting there

2009-04-16T10:53:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a while. Sorry about that. Haha, to the one or two people that read his blog, I apologize for falling behind. :)
School is crazy right now. Classes have all kinds of tests and projects coming up... actually, i have a test in about thirty minutes that I've been cramming for, but just can't seem to concentrate anymore. Oh well. I've been trying.
Club's going well... we started rushes last week and there are all these precious babyheads who want to be a siggie... it's so weird being on this side of the whole pledging and rushing process. Still figuring out if I like it or not. :)
It's raining outside... kind of reflects my mood. It's just a dreary time of the year. People start getting mad at each other... annoyed and frustrated. That's just april. In may things will be better, becasue it will be finals week. I'm so looking forward to that.
An answer to prayer from God... I'm living in a house full of great girls next semester. I was so anxious and worried about where I was going to live next year all last semester...but God is so good and answered my prayers with flying colors. Can't wait to live in a house and go home every day. :)
Other than that... what else? Um... well, we've started camp training. It's been fun. Lots of new people that are doing camps this year, which is good. I'm excited to get to know them even better, and for God to work through them for the kids coming to camp.

Went to LTC last weekend... it was so refreshing to be in a place that feels so much like home. Old friends, family... it was wonderful. Definitely made me miss high school, especially chorus. There are days when i'd give anything to be back in that auditorium in Shiloh, practicing on a Sunday night, and loving the fact that i was a part of something so great. I hope that someday I can have that feeling again. It's amazing.
Abby and Maggie both did really well in all of their events. Maggie's speech was so great, and Abby got to sign on Sunday morning. She's really gifted in that... wish I'd done signing now that I'm older. Oh well. I'll live vicariously through my sister.
She's also going to formal tomorrow... so weird that she's old enough to go. I remember getting ready for my first formal... feels so weird that abby's going to be getting ready for hers, and I wont be there to see it. Both of my sisters are getting so old so fast... its kind of sad.
My dad's back in the hospital with this cellulitis crud again. I'm just praying that this can go away... the last thing he needs is more medical problems. I'm hoping that he'll get to go home today.
Other than that, I just want to say that God is GOOD. I dont give him credit enough for the miracles that he's working in my life. I would not be here, where I am, if it wasn't for him. He takes care of me, and I get so annoyed with myself because i doubt him every single day. I worry and I complain and stress. I'm so sick of not trusting, not putting my hope in Him. That's my goal for right now. Just living from day to day with thankfulness for what He's done, and assurance of the things that he will do.

Camp Staff Retreat

2009-03-20T08:33:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm off in just a few hours to the camp staff retreat in the happenin' town of Merkel, Texas. Lol, not the party capital of the world, but I'm sure we'll make it work. :)
This is pretty exciting because we actually get to know the people we're gonna be working with this summer. It'll be nice to have a weekend away from Abilene and stressful homework and projects. I'm pretty excited. So keep us in your prayers as we head out so build some solid community... and hopefully have a little bit of fun. ;)
God Bless your day!

To Know Him

2009-02-27T14:29:00.000-08:00

I've been reading the New Testament again, especially the epistles. I really love what they have to say; it seems like, every day that I read, God has something to say to me that applies to specifically the way that I am feeling that day. I am constantly amazed at how He knows me better than I know myself.
Today I was reading Philippians, pretty much my favorite epistle because it just speaks to me on so many different levels. I love the thought of having a citizenship with Christ, and firmly pressing on to develop relationship with Him. But today a specific phrase caught my attention.

Philippians 3:7-11 (The Message)

^7-9The very credentials these people are waving around as something special, I'm tearing up and throwing out with the trash—along with everything else I used to take credit for. And why? Because of Christ. Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant—dog dung. I've dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him. I didn't want some petty, inferior brand of righteousness that comes from keeping a list of rules when I could get the robust kind that comes from trusting Christ—God's righteousness.

^10-11I gave up all that inferior stuff so I could know Christ personally, experience his resurrection power, be a partner in his suffering, and go all the way with him to death itself. If there was any way to get in on the resurrection from the dead, I wanted to do it.

I cannot tell you in words how much I love the phrase "Knowing Christ." I don't know why this strikes me so hard... maybe it's because I'm trying to be more real in my relationships with others, and I'd so love to have that with Him. Maybe it's because I can't see Him, can't look at Him and draw conclusions. I desire to know Christ.

Real righteousness... true righteousness... not the petty kind that comes from following rules. I feel like, all of my life, I've been so intent on following the rules, on doing the right things. I want to be so passionate about Him that the rules don't matter. I feel like, if I honestly pursue Christ and desire Him above all other things, I won't be able to follow the rules set up by our precious buildings and religion. I'll be forced to live an incredible life, searching to truly know this creator of mine who pursues me so steadfastly. I want that resurrection, and I'm so sick of just talking about it.

We got our info back about camps today... I got the job again, and I'm really excited about working with a whole new group of counselors, as well as some old friends. :) I am pumped, mainly because I'm wanting to get this desire across to my campers. I want them to yearn for Him the way I am right now. I want them to have a longing to live a life in pursuit of His transformation.... but first I think I'd better figure out how I'm going to do that!

Blessings on your day

SING SONG 2009

2009-02-23T07:25:00.001-08:00

Carmens with sing song faces! (aka Megan Larson and me)

Me and Lindsey... she was in the Sophomore Bird act

Me and Lil' Lamb

More Carmen Pics to come.....

So Siggie Sing Song 2009 was WONDERFUL. We won vocals for the EIGHTH YEAR in a row, which is GREAT considering its SING song! We didn't win overall, the lil' kojie skunks won that, but we feel really great about the fact that we got FIRST in vocals, since that's what sing song is all about. The women of Sigma Theta Chi strike again.
It was an incredible weekend overall... Friday evening we won first place in Originality (duh! What's more original than Carmen???) and proved the optimist wrong, who predicted we'd get third. My mom, dad, abby, maggie, and Gran all got here Friday evening and Henry, Missy, and I all went to see them at their hotel after the performance.
Then saturday morning, mom, gran, and I all went to Siggie mother daughter breakfast at Abilene Country Club and had a GREAT time. At the afternoon performance, siggies got third in appearance, but we looked INCREDIBLE if I do say so myself. Props to Kara McArthur for our AMAZING Carmen costumes, and Hannah Anderson as our incredible director. We looked great. Then my family and Henry and his mom all went to Lytle to eat lunch/dinner, and I went back to get pumped up before the performance! After gettin rowdy (like crazy!) the siggies went out there and gave a SPECTACULAR performance... Carmen was incredible.
Over all, the weekend was a HUGE success; Siggies win and lose with class, and I'm so proud of my incredible club full of Godly women. We worked really hard on our show, and it was evident. I'm just kind of sad it's over. Now what in the world will I do with all my free time??? Oh yeah, probably schoolwork. :)
Just kidding. Lots of fun stuff is coming up, including spring break, camp preparations beginning, new officers in club, spring rushes, ETCA people coming for TCSIT, LTC, and tons of other great developments in the life of your favorite blogger. :)
I was so glad to have my family here this weekend, and to catch up with some old friends and some of my precious campers from this summer. It was GREAT to see them. In my personal opinion, everybody in the world should experience Sing Song at least once. It's an experience unlike any other. :)

We's 'Bout to get ROWDY!

So it Begins...

2009-02-18T08:10:00.000-08:00

Song song week has officially begun! We had our pre-dress rehearsal dress rehearsal (lol) last night, and all of the acts are really great. Not to be biased... but I'm pretty sure we should be taking home the gold this year. Just saying...Carmen's hot stuff.
My sisters, parents, and grandmother are all coming to town on Friday afternoon so that they can be here for siggie mother daughter breakfast on saturday morning. I'm really excited to see them, and to have a blast doing sing song! The energy in moody is great, and the hosts and hostesses are so great this year. I'm really enjoying the week so far, and even though it's stressful and crazy... It's so worth it.

In other news, I finally got my volunteer information about working at Hospice... two huge notebooks full! I imagined that I would need a lot of training for volunteering there, but this is nuts! However, I am looking forward to having this training done and getting to interact with people. This might be what I end up doing for the rest of my life, so I'm looking forward to seeing how I like it.

Sing song has been reminding me a lot of LTC lately, and making me miss the old days of standing in the auditorium for Chorus, listening to our great tenors and loving life. Thinking about the shiloh kids as they get ready for it this year! :)

I have my camp group interview on Friday morning, and then I guess we'll find out about the job sometime within the next week or two after that. I'm excited about camp, but almost really can't focus on it right now... I'm just so busy! There's no time to do anything but sing song! Anyways... that's the news for now. If you're coming to sing song, give me a call! I'd love to see you! If not.... lame. Just kidding... but you should definitely try to come, if for no other reason than to see a bunch of ridiculously good looking Carmens. Just saying... :)

Blessings on your day!

In the quiet

2009-02-15T14:46:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it's weird... you know those really random moments when you get to sit down, be alone... listen to the stillness? I honestly usually really hate those times... I hate having too much time to think, because all I tend to do is worry about things that aren't important. Or maybe they are important... either way, all I ever do is worry when I'm alone and still. I'm having one of those times right now... and, as usual, I'm worried. Worried about my future, about my friends... about the turmoil that swirls around inside of me every single day and how much I wish it would just stop and go away. Worried about living a spectacular life... about how I'm going to go about doing that... about my heart and keeping it guarded. Worried about being too vulnerable and giving too much of myself. I just can't stop thinking.
I remember during Christmas break, I would lie awake some nights, just unable to stop my mind from wandering. I wanted so badly to turn off my brain, to stop thinking about wanting and remembering. But I just couldn't. Sleep couldn't come because I wouldn't give myself the chance to stop thinking. And here I am again.
I don't know what God is trying to say to me.... maybe it's not even God saying things... either way, something is trying to be said. That might make no sense, but it does to me right now. And maybe these are just the ramblings of an idiot who's tired and alone and quiet. But right now, at this moment... I'm scared. I'm scared about the future. I'm scared even about the present. I don't know what each morning is going to bring, and sometimes I'm most scared about this image of a God who is faithful and good. What is He's not? What if my faith isn't strong enough?
I don't really know exactly what I'm saying here. I just know that I'm scared about things... mostly about being alone and abandoned, by people, by opportunities... by God.
Just some thoughts.

Just another day....

2009-02-09T14:21:00.001-08:00

Today's been good... it offically starts a couple of crazy weeks coming up.... with Sing Song only two weeks away, classes getting to test time, and my complete lack of motivation, they should prove pretty interesting.
We're required for my Intro to Social Welfare class to volunteer somewhere so that we can interact with people- I've decided to volunteer at Hospice. I'm actually pretty excited about it... as weird as that may sound... because I really think that this is something that I'd like to do in the future. So I'm going through all the checking and training right now to be able to volunteer... hopefully at the hospital. That's my goal. :)
In other news.... I've developed an obsession to Garden Salsa sunchips... random I know, but I'm enjoying them right now, and thought that the world should be aware.
Praise to God for Ethan's continued recovery... he's walking down the hall and sitting up in a chair for hours at a time. What a mighty God to be able to heal him like this.
My family is all kind of under the weather- if you think about it, just say a quick prayer for them. It's no fun to be sick.
Camp application process continues.... it's going pretty well. Sing Song practice continues.... I feel like I've perfected my sing song face.... so I'm ready for the weekend.
Anyways... that's about it on this front. Not much going on. Have a blessed day!

Stories in Songs...

2009-02-06T08:41:00.000-08:00

Well, sometimes my life Just don't make sense at all When the mountains look so big And my faith just seems so small
CHORUS: So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf You have been King of my glory Won't You be my Prince of Peace
And I wake up in the night and feel the dark It's so hot inside my soul I swear there must be blisters on my heart
CHORUS
Surrender don't come natural to me I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want Than to take what You give that I need And I've beat my head against so many walls Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees
And this Salvation Army band Is playing this hymn And Your grace rings out so deep It makes my resistance seem so thin
CHORUS
You have been King of my glory Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Rich Mullins was what I needed to hear today. I've always loved this song... he's one of my dad's favorite artists, so I grew up listening to him. Today I need a prince of peace.
Does your soul ever just feel... not at rest? Tossing and turning, hurting? I just need a God who holds me today. I love the line about his grace ringing out so deep.... whether I want it or not, His grace is there. Whether I accept it or not... whether I ask him for it or deny it... He's given it freely, no strings attached. What a mighty God we serve. A God who saves us, even when we don't want to be saved. A God who holds us when we're trembling and scared.... that's the God that I want to rely on. I'm still learning to depend fully on Him.... to not take thigns into my own hands or worry about things I can't control. I must admit, I do that so often. But I am not God. It's not my job. I can't determine my future by worrying and stressing and crying.... I'm just hurting myself. I'm praying that God gives me peace and wisdom to rely fully on Him and not try to take things into my own hands. I guess it'll just take time

Poverty

2009-02-04T09:08:00.000-08:00

So we had a speaker in my Intro to Social Welfare class yesterday who just got under my skin. I don't know what it was about him... perhaps the fact that the majority of his beliefs were based on his personal experience... but I was just rubbed the wrong way.
He came to talk to us about social work, and the organization that he works for. Very eloquent man... had a LOT to say.
But then he got into the issue of poverty. He proceeded to ask the class to raise their hands if they thought that poverty would always be with us. I raised my hand, because honestly, I do believe that poverty will always be with us. Historically, it's been established since the time of Jesus. When He was annointed at Bethany in Mark 14, Jesus said, "The poor you will always have with you, and you can help them anytime you want. But you will not always have me." This is not at all to say that we shouldn't take the problem of poverty seriously, or search for a solution, which is what this speaker assumed that we were saying. This means that a complete solution for poverty, to dissolve it totally, is very idealistic. Think about it. Even if we established, somehow, the same benefits for every man: the same income, health care, housing, etc... Human nature calls for a caste system... it has since the beginning of time. Sin creates this in us. Cain committed murder because Abel had found the Lord's favor and was looked upon as the better of the two. Is poverty vs. wealth not the same thing? We look with favor upon those that are wealthy and self sufficient. Sin does this to us. Therefore, even if everyone was brought to equality financially, we would find other ways to define poverty. There's a sinful need to make oneself better than others.
In addition to that, a girl in class brought up the issue of those who do not wish to be helped out of poverty. I remember encountering children in St. Louis who, though their school lunch was the only meal that they received during the day, had working cable television. They were hungry when they went to bed at night, but they could still watch tv. What does that say about the poor?
I don't want to make this sound like I don't respect and defend the need for assistance to those who are in difficult circumstances. I believe with all my heart that everything possible should be done to help those who are struggling for income. That's why I'm a social work major. However, I think that it's impossible to alleviate the problem of suffering and poverty. We live in a depraved world. I know that this sounds bleak, and I don't mean it to. I'm just wondering what a solution to this problem would look like. How could you exterminate poverty practically? I'm just wondering... any ideas would be welcomed.
Again, I think that it is most definitely necessary to aid those in need of help- to give hope to the hopeless. I dont know... this has just been swirling around in my mind since yesterday and I wonder if anyone else has an opinion.
In other news....
Prayers of thanksgiving that Ethan Craft is doing so well... He had open heart surgery on Friday, and is already talking, eating a little, and sittiing up! Thanks be to God that He's been so much at work in Ethan's life. Continue praying that his health will improve more and more, and that the staph will continue to leave his body.
My sister's volleyball team is advancing to playoffs... if they win this upcoming game, then they might be headed for El Paso.... LONG trip... so pray for them, that their time and effort pay off, and that they can play their best.
Blessings.