Do you ever have one of those moments in time, even for just a second, when you just know that the world is exactly as it should be? You are in the exact right place, at the exact right time, under the exact right circumstances... and you realize that, even if it's just for a moment, there's something bigger than you and your current hardship that directs how the world works?
Lord, I believe. Only help my unbelief.
Or the moment when you turned in that paper that you worked so tirelessly on... the one that dictated your eating, sleeping, and socializing schedule... to find that you made an A? When your heart is fluttering for that instant, before looking at your grade, wondering if it was all for naught?
Lord, I believe. Only help my unbelief.
When you have been praying endlessly for some heartache... you know that kind of prayer? The "can't eat, can't sleep, pray every moment of the day, hoping that something will come of it" prayer? And the day when, right as you felt you couldn't go on any longer, that petition is finally fulfilled... the feeling that floods your very core?
Lord, I believe. Only help my unbelief.
I've been somewhat of a complainer lately. I'd like to think that, most of the time, I'm more of a "glass-half-full" kind of gal; I generally try to look for the good in people, and I've always believed that individuals have the potential to make a significant difference in the world. I do my homework, take out the trash, and try to walk my dog every day. Yet, over the past few months, I've made a habit of looking at life from such a negative perspective.
Maybe it's circumstance... after all, grad school has, thus far, been a pretty intense time in my life. There's always a paper to be written, a book to be read, and let's not forget about the impending doom entitled "thesis" that seems to fly about my head like a mosquito on a sticky summer evening.
Maybe it's influence. While it's hard to admit, there are many people whom I love and hold dear who have issues with pessimism. Is it inevitable that, as time has gone by, these individuals have influenced me to take off my rose-colored glasses and see the world in harsh daylight?
Or maybe it's just growing up; seeing the world for what it truly is, and choosing to leave childish delusion behind me. Perhaps I've lost the innocence of my youth, and the trust of children, and learned that life isn't always the picture that Walt Disney painted for me. Maybe good guys don't always win... maybe hard work isn't always enough... maybe a hero doesn't always come to save the day.
Lord, I believe. Only help my unbelief.
No matter what the reason, my outlook on life has been significantly different, as of late. I've done all of the things I'm supposed to do.... I've taken time out to enjoy little things. I've exercised, and I've baked cookies. I've worked hard on schoolwork, and I've poured myself into the kids I work with. I've gotten dressed up, and I've prayed. But nothing seems to be working. And I think I've finally determined the reason why.
Lord, I believe. Only help my unbelief.
I don't have faith. Yes, I am admitting it to myself, and to the millions of readers who, I'm sure, wait for these blogs with bated breath and sweating palms. I am not committed enough to my faith.
Now, don't misunderstand. I believe. I've blogged countless times about my thoughts on the Lord... my thankfulness and my feelings of inadequacy. I believe in a God of love and compassion.
But I have no honest faith that He'll pull through.
And really... without that faith... what joy is there to be found in life? What hope is available for someone, so intent on being hopeless?
There's a song that I love by a Christian artist named Andrew Peterson. The chorus is as follows:
"Well I say, 'faith is a burden. It's a weight to bear. It's brave and bittersweet. And hope is hard to hold to.' Lord I believe, only help my unbelief. 'Til there's no more faith, no more hope, I'll see your face, and Lord I'll know that only love remains."
I get so tired of the struggle that is faith. The fight that is hope. There's pain and there's despair tied into both of these ideas. There's fear, and anticipation, worry, and uncertainty. Sometimes, it all seems a little bit too big. Sometimes, I'm just too weak. And sometimes, despair wins.
So I'll wait. I'll keep trying. I'll get up tomorrow, and I'll choose to believe in something bigger than myself. Because what's the point, if we're not waiting for something greater?
Lord, I believe. Only help my unbelief.
Blessings on you and yours,
Amanda
No comments:
Post a Comment